Side Effects of a Broken Boy
by iliketocolor
Summary: Sequel to "Tears of a Hunter" Basically the after high school years, so final 2 seasons and then their life in New York. It kind of goes along with the show just like the other story did but instead of moving to New York at the end of season 7, they have to come back and finish college. I always was confused as to what they did without finishing school. TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm
1. Chapter 1

**So here is the sequel to 'Tears of a Hunter'. I guess it's not entirely necessary to read the first one, but it kind of is... Anywho, I finished it a couple weeks ago, but I was selfish and haven't posted it because that would mean that I really am done with Shawn's story and I didn't want to be done. So here is the first chapter. I will probably be posting a couple each day as I do a final edit. 10 chapters. Please review and let me know what you think, either as I upload or when I finish posting. Thanks.**

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Shawn Hunter had been in college for about a month when he received a plane ticket in the mail and a phone call from Jonathan Turner. Turner's parents paid for the plane ticket and Shawn would stay in the hotel where the wedding was going to be held, for 2 nights. The wedding was a week away. After hanging up the phone, Shawn looked at the ticket. He felt bad about costing these people money. He had only met Jon's parents once when he was visiting California over spring break. They were nice people and they had the money, but Shawn never liked being a charity case. Jon's wedding was more important than Shawn's pride though, so Shawn put the ticket inside his duffle bag so he wouldn't forget it later.

Shawn really was excited for Jon and was happy to go to the wedding and see him again, but he wasn't really in the wedding mood. He and Angela had broken up at the start of the school year and Shawn wasn't sure of what he wanted. He didn't really want to break up with Angela. He loved her. But he didn't really know how to be in the relationship any more. He went back to his 2 week rule and started meeting new women at Penn Brook. He never got too close to them but he knew he had to act like he was moving on.

On the day of Shawn's flight, Jack drove him to the airport. Shawn had never been on a plane before and was kind of nervous. Luckily he found himself sitting next to a cute 20-year-old girl who was going to California to become an actress, so he flirted with her and kept his mind off the traveling.

Jon and his father met Shawn at the airport. It was the day before the wedding and they needed to still pick up the suits and check into the hotel. Shawn was in the wedding party as a groomsman. He liked that he was so important to Jon. As the day went on and more of Jon's actual relatives showed up for the wedding, Shawn felt more out of place than he had before. He didn't know any of these people and he was only there because he and Jon had pretended to be a family for a couple years. Shawn tried to keep out of the way of things but Jon kept introducing him to everyone and making sure he was sociable. He liked meeting Jon's real family and the people that would now be part of Jon's life instead of Shawn.

That night, Shawn slept very little. When he found himself waking up in a cold sweat, he was thankful that he had a hotel room to himself. He tried to figure out why his nightmares would be back tonight. He knew he wasn't going to fall asleep again soon. It was almost 2:30 a.m. and he had to be awake at 9. He turned on the light next to his bed and sat up. He knew he was feeling unstable. He felt the need to hurt himself, but he didn't want to bother Jon on the night before his wedding. But, he also didn't want to hurt himself. Jon would be upset with himself for not being able to stop Shawn. He sighed and got up to change from a t-shirt into a long sleeve shirt. Normally he didn't mind his scars, but sometimes they triggered him just by being there. He took out his notebook and went back to his bed to try and write. He had filled up his journal soon after graduation and he started using an old school notebook. He figured he would buy a new journal soon. He just hadn't gotten around to it.

As he sat on his bed with his back against the headboard, his thoughts began to pour out. He began to realize the emotions that had triggered his nightmare and woken him up. Life was changing again and even though Jon had been living in California for a little over a year, he had still made sure to be involved in Shawn's life. But now he was actually moving on. He didn't need Shawn to be a sort of 'practice child'. He was forming his own family and Shawn knew that he wasn't included. He knew Turner would be there for him for the next couple years on the phone or if tragedy really struck, but Shawn wasn't officially part of Turner's life anymore and Shawn didn't want to admit that that scared him a bit. Jon was the first guy who actually took care of Shawn and made Shawn a priority in his life.

Shawn placed his notebook off to the side with the pen still inside to mark the page. He closed his eyes, not knowing if he would fall asleep again or not.

At 9 o' clock there was a knock on Shawn's hotel room door. He rubbed his eyes and walked over to open the door. He had fallen asleep again sometime around 3 that morning. He saw Jon as he opened the door and let him in the room. Shawn yawned as Jon was saying something about the schedule for the day. They had 6 hours until the wedding but they had to meet everyone for breakfast in an hour and a half. Then they had to make sure everything was set up before meeting for lunch and going to the reception hall and making sure everything was in order there. Shawn walked into the bathroom and began to brush his teeth as Jon rambled on about what was happening. Jon was nervous. Everything had to be perfect. Both his parents and Melanie's parents were paying a lot of money for everything to go right. Shawn nodded and made sure Turner knew he was paying attention. He spit the toothpaste into the sink and noticed Jon had gotten quiet. He wiped his mouth on a towel and walked back to Jon. He was nervous when he saw Jon had Shawn's journal in his hand.

"What… Don't read that…" Shawn muttered. He wasn't angry, but he just didn't want Jon to have to deal with Shawn's problems anymore.

"Shawn… I didn't mean to," he placed the book down and looked to Shawn. "Talk to me Hunter."

Shawn sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Jon. It was too early in the morning to deal with this.

"I'm fine… I just had a nightmare last night, and I am… I don't know. Things are going to be different and that's fine, I just have to get used to it. It's just… you were the first person to save me. I mean, the Matthews were there, but they have their own family. I was never their priority. You made me a priority and I've never had that. I don't want to lose that. It's selfish, I know-"

Jon sighed. He knew this might happen. "Nothing is going to change between us Shawn. I'm just getting married. You are still important to me and I still want you to call me about anything in your life, _good or bad._ Life always makes things different, but that's part of growing up. Don't think that just because I might have kids someday in the future, that makes you less important to me. You're my first kid Shawn, and I don't want that to change."

Shawn was silent for a while. He waited to speak until he knew he wasn't going to cry. "Thanks Jon… I'm just not all that great at dealing with big changes…"

"Don't worry about it kid. We have a big day ahead. Go get ready and I'll meet you downstairs. Everything is going to be alright." Jon smiled and hugged Shawn before leaving the room.

Shawn took a shower and got ready for the day.

Jon's wedding day went perfectly. The wedding was beautiful and the reception was more fun than Shawn thought it would be. He was, of course, the center of attention for all the young women. Jon smiled as he watched Shawn effortlessly flirt his way through the female side of the guest list. Melanie smiled as she watched her husband. She loved that he cared so much about this young man who had started off as being another random student in Jon's English class and who had now become such a huge part of Jon's life.

She thought back to the first time she went to see Jon in Philadelphia and she asked about Shawn. She didn't quite understand why Shawn was so important to Jon at the time. She thought he was just being a good guy and taking care of a needy kid. But eventually after he moved to California and they started seriously dating again, she saw the impact that Shawn had made on Jon. Shawn never found this out, but Jon was kind of a wreck for a while without Shawn.

Melanie remembered watching Jon sit on the couch and watch TV after a day at work. It didn't seem like he actually wanted to watch anything. He seemed to be missing something as he sat quietly, aimlessly watching whatever was on. After a couple weeks, she asked him about it. It turned out, Jon always used to watch TV with Shawn after he got home from school. Jon usually got home around 5 and Shawn had already hung out with Cory and would be sitting at home waiting to watch TV and eat dinner with Jon. Jon didn't like watching TV. He just liked being with Shawn.

Shawn took a seat next to Jon and Melanie at the wedding table and smiled. He had been dancing with girls all evening and the reception was almost over.

"Shawn, can I talk to you for a minute?" Melanie asked as she got up from the table.

Jon shrugged when Shawn looked at him, almost as if asking what she could want with him. Shawn got up from the table. "Of course," he said, following her off towards the perimeter of the room.

"I really like you Shawn."

"Whoa Mel, I'm flattered but I think you're a bit late. I do believe you're a married woman now," Shawn laughed.

Melanie smiled and ruffled Shawn's hair. "What I mean is, you need to stay in our lives Shawn. Jon needs you. He's always needed you and I know that you and he come together. I am glad to call you part of my family now too."

Shawn smiled but was unsure she knew what she was talking about. "I think it's always been me that's needed him. I know we're going to stay in touch like we always have. I'm not leaving Philly, but I still need Jon too."

"You had a bigger effect on Jon than you know of Shawn. You gave him something to believe in and someone to love. I saw what he was like when he first moved out here. He never wanted to leave you Shawn. He will never really leave you."

"I… don't know what to say. I'm really glad he has you Mel."

She hugged him and they walked back to the table. Jon smiled as they both sat down.

"Don't go stealing my woman now Shawn, you can have any of the other women here, just not this one." Jon winked and took Melanie's hand as she smiled at him.

Shawn laughed and looked at the two of them. He was genuinely happy and he always cherished the few moments in his life when he knew he was happy.

The end of the night came far too soon for everyone at the wedding. The party seemed to never want to end, but eventually everyone left. Shawn's flight was the next day. Jon's parents were going to drive the newlyweds and Shawn to the airport in the morning. Jon and Melanie were going to Hawaii and Shawn had to get home.

At the airport they said their goodbyes. Melanie went to check in for the couple's flight and left Jon to talk with Shawn.

"Keep me updated on what's happening with you Shawn, and I'll do the same."

Shawn nodded and chuckled. "Yeah, and ya know it wouldn't kill you if you two came out for a visit."

Jon smiled. "I'll let you know. We'll get out there sometime soon, don't worry."

As Melanie was approaching the two men hugged. Shawn then hugged Melanie and looked at the couple.

"Congratulations you guys. And thanks for everything."

They parted ways and weren't sure when they would really see each other again.


	2. Chapter 2

Shawn returned from the wedding and was happy for the most part. He was as normal as his life let him be. Mostly he wrote in his journal. Most of his free time he spent writing and Topanga even got him a new journal for his birthday because she figured that if he had been using it, the old one was probably getting filled up.

He would write when he was anxious about his schoolwork, or when he had an occasional nightmare, or when knew he was actually in love with Angela and needed her back.

Shawn had never shared his poetry. He never even told anyone that he wrote. They were his private thoughts and he needed to write in order to keep himself alive.

His secret was out when he had to write a poem for Mr. Feeny's class. He tried to choose a poem that was personal but not too dark. He was pleased when Feeny thought it was good enough to read to the whole class. The only problem was that Cory was being a jerk about it. First, Cory hated the poem, then when he found out it was Shawn's, Cory wanted him to share all his poems.

"I didn't know you wrote poetry Shawn. How come you never told me?" Cory asked after class ended.

"I never told anyone, I just do it for myself… I wouldn't call them poems, I just write stuff down. I've been doing it for a long time now." Shawn wanted them to leave it alone. He regretted even turning in the assignment now. He wished he could have just blown off the assignment like he would have in high school.

Eventually, he agreed to go to the poetry reading Feeny had mentioned. He wasn't going to read any of his poems, but he figured it would at least get Cory off his back.

The problem came when, at the poetry reading, Feeny announced that Shawn would be reading a poem. Cory had signed him up to read and Shawn was furious. He couldn't get up on that stage and share his soul with everyone in the room. He couldn't even share his poems with his closest friends. He picked the poem about Angela to read. It was one that didn't focus on the pain he still had bottled up inside of him and Angela wouldn't know it was about her. As he stood on stage, he tried to start reading but he couldn't get past the first couple words. His words didn't seem to make any sense to him anymore. He could feel the panic setting in as he felt so exposed. It reminded him of back when everyone found out about all his problems and secrets and he suddenly wanted to make fresh cuts on his arms. He hadn't done that in a while and he was terrified that the thoughts came back so easily. He knew it would be easy to start up again. He found himself walking off stage. He needed air and he needed to be away from all these people. He needed to seal himself up again before everyone knew all his secrets. He stood outside and took a long breath. The cool November air calmed him as his body worked to warm itself up. As reality came back into focus, he turned around and saw Cory through the window. He was standing on stage reading out of Shawn's journal. Shawn slowly opened the door and watched as Cory read of Shawn's love to Angela.

Cory finished reading and Shawn lost control. He grabbed Cory from the stage and dragged him outside. "Come with me."

Shawn was livid. He had no idea how to deal with Cory this time. "Ok… how do I put this; who do you think you are?"

Cory looked baffled. "Well that's a silly question Shawn, I'm your best fr-"

Shawn interrupted Cory as his best friend tried to joke his way out of this. "No, no, no, no, no. No jokes, no back peddling, look into my eyes Cory. I am dead serious. We have a problem here."

"Alright, Shawn, I'm sorry-" Cory was getting angry as he was unsure of what was going on.

"No, that's not what I wanna hear. Not this time. I wanna hear that you were wrong. I asked you to back off and you wouldn't take no for an answer; you totally disregarded my feelings." He had never been this angry at Cory before. Cory had always been there for him but he had never betrayed him like this.

"Alright, Alright I did that, but-" Cory tried to start explaining.

Shawn stepped back for a moment and scoffed. "Oh there better not be a but..."

"I did this for your own good!"

"My own good? You have no idea what my poetry is about do you? That poem Feeny read in class, do you even know what that was about."

When Cory didn't reply, Shawn sighed. "Cory, I can't say certain things, so I write them down. It helps me get them out... I started writing after I stayed in the hospital… It keeps me from hurting myself Cory, and I do it for myself. I can't share the things inside my head. Do you even know who that poem was about?"

Cory looked surprised. "It's about me…"

Shawn should have known. Everything was always about Cory. "It's about Angela."

No one said anything as Angela walked over to Shawn and slapped him across the face. He left the student union and started walking around campus. He didn't want to cut. He hated that he knew, consciously, logically, he didn't want to hurt himself. But there was a slight tug in the back of his mind that still wanted it. He walked back to the dorm and sat on his bed. He didn't know what he wanted to do in that moment. He opened the drawer on the night stand and pulled out his pocket knife that he had for normal, pocket knife, purposes. He had never used this one to hurt himself, but tonight it looked so tempting.

He leaned his back against the headboard of his bed and ran his finger over the smooth side of the blade. He didn't use any pressure and didn't cut, he just wanted to feel the smooth steel. He knew he was being stupid. This would eventually lead to some new cuts. He knew from previous experience that once the sharp object was out and ready, there was no stopping the inevitable. He sat and thought of the pros and cons of actually hurting himself again. _Cons: I disappoint everyone around me…again, I have to start back at day one of being without cuts, I'll have to hide the new cuts, I won't be trusted with sharp objects again… Pros: It will make me feel better. It will make me stop thinking about how much I want it…_ The cons outweighed the pros in numbers but the pros were screaming for him to just make the cuts already. Shawn's decision was made for him as Cory walked in the room and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Shawn… what are you doing?"

"Nothing Cor."

"Why do you have a pocket knife? I think you should give that to me and start talking now," he suggested gently.

Shawn sighed. He closed the knife and placed it in Cory's outstretched hand, watching as he slid it into his pocket and placed Shawn's journal on his bed. "You left this in the student union. We need to talk Shawn."

"Why? We already did and I've said my peace."

"Shawn, don't get mad again, but I've seen some of the other poems in there… They're…"

"You read them!" Shawn wanted to hit Cory. He needed to get his anger out of himself and he didn't know how. "Why the fuck did you think you had the right to do that?"

Cory began to back away. "Because I was worried about you Shawn! I'm your best friend and after all we've been through I don't understand why you can't just talk to me about things."

Shawn was nearly shaking with rage. He started scratching his arms and Cory took a step towards Shawn. This was not going well for either of them.

"Stop doing that Shawn!"

Shawn looked at his hands. He hadn't caused any damage and he certainly didn't feel any relief that he was looking for. "I can't! I can barely look at you right now Cory. I can't believe you still don't get it. Those poems are for me because I can't keep talking about the same old problems… It's been years since I lived with my parents and I still get nightmares sometimes. I still can't get close to anyone in my life and I still hate myself for everything that I am. I can't go around always complaining to everyone else about my life. 'Poor Shawn, his parents never loved him.'… People get sick of that shit Cory. If I don't write, I'd be hurting myself again, why don't you get it?"

Cory sat down on the edge of his bed. He was suddenly extremely aware of the damage he had caused tonight.

"I don't know what to say Shawn. I'm sorry. I just…I never knew you had such a talent for writing and I wanted you to be able to share that…"

"My writing is dark because there are still so many dark places inside of me that I don't want to have to show anyone-"

"I'm your best friend and you can always let me in-"

"I don't want to Cory! I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't want to have to talk about the things that go on in my mind. I know a lot of my thoughts aren't right. The things I still hear… my dad or mom telling me I'm still crap, or when I agree with them after I fuck something up in class or with a girl. I am not the sharing type Cory. I don't just open up and tell people things. We've been through a lot and you know more than almost anyone, so you should know that I don't just share my feelings."

"I know Shawn, but you almost cut yourself tonight. What am I supposed to do when I find you bleeding out again? You cannot do that to me again!" Cory was going to cry. The thought that he could have walked into the dorm and had an entirely different scene to deal with was more than he could bear.

Shawn didn't know what to say. "I would have been fine if you had just left my writing alone! Stop making me open up all the time Cory!"

Cory stared at Shawn. He finally understood it's his fault Shawn is fucked up tonight. Cory pushed Shawn too far this time and Shawn nearly broke again. Shawn watched as Cory left the room without a word.

Cory walked over to Topanga's room and knocked on the door. He hated himself for what he'd done to Shawn. Topanga opened the door and stared at her boyfriend. She hugged him tightly and then led him inside. Angela had gone for a walk to clear her head and Topanga was worried about everyone.

"…Cory, what happened?"

"It's my fault Topanga. I shouldn't have made him talk about it…"

"Is Shawn okay?" She asked, placing her hand on his leg.

"I don't know anymore. His writing…his thoughts…they're so dark Topanga. I walked in tonight and he was going to cut himself again… I led him to it."

"Wait- is he alone right now?" Topanga was getting worried. She had no idea what had happened since they left the student union and if Shawn was contemplating hurting himself again, he could not be left alone.

"Yeah… I-"

Topanga didn't even wait for Cory to finish his sentence. She opened her door and crossed over to the boys' room. She knocked and entered when Shawn opened the door a moment later.

"Oh, hey Topanga," he said as he closed the door behind her.

"Shawn, I'm sorry all of this happened. You don't have to talk about anything, but I don't think it's a good idea to be alone right now." She didn't know if she was helping, or making things worse. Her normal approach was to just distract Shawn from the bad and make sure Shawn knew that she wouldn't bring up anything unless he wanted to talk about it.

Shawn was actually kind of glad she was there. He really didn't trust himself at the moment, but he really couldn't stand being around Cory right now.

"Actually Topanga, you should stay. I don't know if I want to talk about this right now, but can we just hang out?"

"Of course we can Shawn," she smiled. "Um…wanna play cards or something?"

Shawn smiled and pulled out his deck of cards. They sat on his bed and started playing poker. He had been playing with some of the guys at school now and he knew he was good, but he liked to practice. After a couple of silent rounds, Shawn began to talk.

"You know, I still think about it sometimes…"

"Think about what Shawn?" Topanga asked as she dealt the new hand.

"Hurting myself… It's gotten easier than it used to, but at least once a day, the thought crosses my mind."

"But you never do it?"

"Nah, I know I can't start that up again." He looked at his cards. He had a horrible hand. High Queen was the only good card he had. "I just have so many thoughts in my head all the time and even though my dad's dead, I still have all these beliefs about myself that he beat into me."

"Shawn, these problems don't go away so quickly. It's going to take years to deal with all the things you've been through and it's really good that you found that writing helps you. You are an amazing writer Shawn. I knew it when I had you speak at graduation instead of me. You have so much to say and when you write it all down, people listen; but that doesn't mean you have to share."

He set his cards down on the bed and thought about what she'd said. He did love writing. And he loved when people were able to hear what he wanted to say, but there are a lot of things about himself he wasn't ready to share. He got up and walked over to his bookshelf, pulling down his original journal that Topanga gave him years ago.

"Is that the journal I gave you after the hospital?" Topanga looked surprised. She hadn't expected that Shawn would still have that.

"Yeah… It helped so much Topanga. I couldn't tell you then, but I had found out that writing helped me when I was in the psych hospital and then when you suddenly gave this to me, I was so happy... It's full now and I think it would be okay if you wanted to read some of the stuff in here…"

She looked at Shawn and was deeply touched. She loved that she had been able to help him so much and that he was willing to share this with her. She stood up from the bed and approached him.

"You don't have to. It gets really… scary… I guess. It's from back then, so you might want to skip a lot of it… but there are some in there that I think are pretty decent and I trust you to tell me what you think."

"Of course Shawn," she took the book from his hands and kissed him on the cheek.

"I think I'm going to go to sleep. You can tell Cory he can sleep here tonight, but I don't really want to talk to him. Don't tell him I gave that to you. He doesn't even know it exists."

Topanga nodded and left the room. She stood in front of her door and looked at the journal in her hands. Its green leather was worn and faded and its fraying black ribbon lay down the middle pages. She smiled as she remembered buying it for him. Hunter green is what the label described the color. She thought it was rather fitting for him. She opened her door and noticed Cory was lying on top of her covers with his eyes closed. She placed the journal in the drawer of her desk and walked over to the bed.

"Cory honey? Wake up."

"Hey Topanga. I was just resting. How's Shawn? Does he still hate me?" He looked at her, concern settling on his face.

"No, I don't think he could ever hate you. He's going to sleep now and you should go to bed too. Just don't make him talk anymore tonight. Let him sleep, okay?"

"Yeah… Thanks Topanga." He kissed her and left her room. He was tired and he still felt like a horrible friend. Shawn was right. He had asked Cory not to push him into sharing and Cory hadn't even cared what Shawn wanted. He sighed and walked into his room. Shawn was already in bed. He wasn't asleep yet but he had turned off the light and didn't want to be bothered. Cory quickly changed into his sweatpants and climbed into bed. He lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, wondering if Shawn would ever forgive him.

"Goodnight Cory," Shawn didn't forgive him yet, but he at least said goodnight, and that was a start.

"Goodnight Shawn."

The next day, Shawn knew he had to talk to Angela. He needed to figure out what he was going to say because he couldn't tell her he loved her still. He also knew he would need to talk to Cory.

Angela met with him in the student union and they talked for a while. In the end, he lied and told her he wrote the poem while they were dating and he was happy being friends. They parted and went about their separate days.

Cory met with Shawn back in the room that afternoon. Shawn had just gotten back from lunch with Jack, and Cory put down his book as Shawn walked in.

"Shawn, I really did mess up... I shouldn't have made you share your poetry. I'm glad you have something that helps you get through things and I know I may not understand your poetry, but I do understand that I want to help you."

Shawn put his jacket on his desk and ran his hand through his hair. "Thanks Cor. I know you always mean well and I don't hate you… I just need you to understand that there are some things that I just don't want to tell you because I don't want you to have to worry about me all the time. If I really need to, I know I can talk to you, but trust me to come to you instead of pressuring me, okay?"

Cory nodded. "So we're cool?"

"You're my date to the movie tonight, right?"

Cory laughed and nodded. He had to finish a bunch of homework before they went out to the movie.


	3. Chapter 3

Everything seemed to be tolerable for Shawn up until Christmas break. He didn't have anywhere to really go for the holidays. He was invited to go out to California with Mr. Turner, but he couldn't afford to go out there and he didn't want to impose on the newlyweds. Cory convinced him to spend Christmas with the Matthews and it really made sense. The only bad news was that Angela was there too. Cory kept trying to get Shawn and Angela back together and it was really quite obvious. Later on Christmas Eve, Shawn and Angela made out under the mistletoe and yet, they were unsure what was going to happen.

The two went to the student union to talk things out. There had been enough secrets and it was about time they sorted everything out. After a long talk, they decided they couldn't get back together. Shawn was scared. He and Angela admitted they were in love with each other, but Shawn couldn't do it. He couldn't let himself give into his feelings. He loved her but was terrified of letting someone get so close to him.

After the holidays, Shawn tried to date again. He used to be so good at dating around. He was the king. Girls fawned over him and he could have any girl he wanted. But he didn't have it in him anymore. He didn't want to spend time with anyone else. He couldn't pretend, he loved Angela and no one else even compared to how he felt when he was her. The worst date was the double date he did with Cory and Topanga. He was miserable and he didn't even try to hide it. Then Angela showed up at the same restaurant with a date and something inside Shawn broke. He tried to show he was okay, but in the end, he just couldn't do it. After the date, he walked by himself after to the student union and sat down to think. He hated himself, which was nothing new. Cory and Topanga came to talk to Shawn about 10 minutes later. He didn't really know what was wrong with himself anymore.

Topanga and Cory sat down. "Shawn, it's going to take some time to get over her. Once you're ready you'll meet someone new."

"I don't want to meet someone new. Let's face it, there's something wrong with me"

Topanga tried to keep Shawn's spirits up. "You're obviously just hurting over Angela. It doesn't mean things won't-"

"No, it's me. I had something great and I killed it. I'm never gonna have a relationship like you guys. I'm not normal."

Cory chuckled. "Shawn, we're not normal. We've been in love since we were 2."

"Yeah, and being friends with you guys has shown me how great it is to have a relationship. But I don't know how to do that… I mean, what if I'm incapable of loving somebody… What if I can't do that?" Shawn knew he was right. He couldn't love somebody the way Cory and Topanga loved each other. He was always going to be broken and he would never be able to let anyone in.

"Shawn, that's crazy-" Topanga didn't like where this was going.

"No it's not. Not for me… I don't know. It's just hard being around you two."

Cory didn't really know what Shawn was getting at. He didn't mean for his relationship with Topanga to hurt Shawn. "What do you want us to do?"

"Nothing, nothing, it's just I don't know how to let someone into my life. No one should have to deal with my problems. I don't know how to love like you guys. I just need time; I need to be alone… I am alone."

Neither Cory nor Topanga knew what to say. They sat with him for a bit and then they all walked to the dorms. Cory was tired and he kissed Topanga goodnight before opening his door. "You coming Shawn?" He asked, turning around to look at Shawn.

"Actually, Shawn, can I talk to you for a minute?" Topanga had thought about what Shawn needed to hear and also what she needed to say.

Cory looked to Shawn and Shawn shrugged. He didn't know what Topanga had in mind. Cory smiled and said goodnight, leaving them to talk.

Topanga led Shawn into her room and shut the door. Luckily Angela wasn't home from her date yet. Shawn sat on the edge of Topanga's bed as Topanga went to her desk and took out Shawn's old journal. "I finished reading it…"

Shawn accepted the journal from her and looked at the worn cover, not really wanting to look at her.

"Thank you for sharing it with me Shawn. I know that life hasn't been good to you and the fact that you are alive today is worth more than anything. I think all of those poems are amazing. You have this skill to make it so that just by reading, I understand your pain or joy or whatever you are feeling… I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all of these feelings inside you. My favorite was the one called _Learning._ It was really good."

Shawn looked up at her and gave a sad smile, letting her continue.

"I know you're scared of letting yourself love anyone. But you have so much love inside of you. I see it all the time. Just because you've been through all of this pain, doesn't mean you can't have happiness. The right girl is going to understand you and she will be worth letting in. When you find her, you'll know."

"I…" Shawn was unsure of how to respond. He wiped his cheek as he started to silently cry. "I think I found her… but I don't know how to do this…"

"You have to work with her on it. You have to tell her. She already knows a lot about your past and she accepts you for who you are."

Shawn nodded and they sat in silence while Shawn stopped crying.

"Thank you Topanga." They stood up and he hugged her goodnight. He didn't want to be there when Angela came home. "I'll be fine."

The next day Shawn slept all day. He was so tired and knew he was too depressed to deal with his life. He finally got out of bed around 5pm. He walked to the student union to see if anyone wanted to get dinner. He looked in the window as he approached and saw them all laughing and having a good time. He couldn't go in there. He suddenly didn't want to be around people. He walked to the cafeteria and grabbed some food before going back to his dorm. He ate slowly and then climbed back into bed. He started writing for a little bit but he didn't even have the energy for that. Instead he just went back to sleep and forgot about the rest of the world.

He knew this was dangerous. He was isolating himself and not talking to anyone about what was happening. He wanted to tell someone. He wanted to tell Cory or Topanga. He wanted to call Mr. Turner. But he just couldn't.

He went through his days in a kind of haze that kept him turned off to most of what was happening. He really only felt normal when he was hanging out with Angela, Cory and Topanga. At Feeny's wedding Shawn knew he needed to get back together with Angela. He always felt best when he was with her. He felt alive when he was around her and he loved her. As they finished up the year Shawn talked with Angela about getting back together. He knew he needed to be with her.

* * *

_Learning_

_School taught us how to read_

_Church taught us how to pray_

_Parents taught us how to speak._

_But school never taught us to read our emotions _

_And church never taught us how to pray to a god we didn't believe in_

_And no one ever told us that the words our parents taught us were lies. _

_The broken children of the world woke up to a life they weren't prepared for_

_The parents of the broken children abandoned their unsuccessful child_

_The ministers of the broken children declared the devil's work_

_And the teachers of the broken children sent them into the world with failing marks and broken hearts_


	4. Chapter 4

Over the summer Shawn took off. Angela hadn't agreed to get back together yet and Shawn really didn't have anywhere to live. He and Jack still had their father's trailer in their possession and Shawn felt he needed to get away. He had been living in a quiet depression for a while and he had to be alone.

He didn't know when he would get back and he didn't know how well his trip would go, but he knew he couldn't just sit around in Philadelphia. Cory tried to stop him of course, but he eventually got Cory to agree to let him leave if he called and checked in every so often.

He stopped in so many places all over the country. He even stopped over in California and spent a week with Jon and Melanie. He didn't stay too long. He liked being on the road by himself and he needed to keep moving. He had never been able to just be completely alone with none of his problems following him around. He was beginning to understand his place in the world.

His favorite spot was at a lake in West Virginia. It was a warm July evening and he could hear the crickets singing as he lay in the grass and stared at the stars. He felt so small, like nothing on the earth could possibly last forever. The good and the bad would all eventually end and he was only on this small planet for a moment. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He knew he needed to go home. He had to get rid of the trailer and stay with the people that loved him. He wasn't sure how long his peacefulness would last and he knew he would eventually become stressed again in life, but he had finally realized how important it was that he stays with his friends and his family that loved him.

He made it back home right before school started up again. Shawn was doing well. He wasn't really upset when Angela followed in Topanga's decision to be single, but Shawn was slightly nervous. Cory dragged him out to Pittsburg to try and fix the Lawrence's marriage, and they failed miserably. Cory did try. He was brilliant, but the marriage couldn't be fixed. Shawn was nervous because for the first time, Cory wasn't sure that he and Topanga would get back together.

Shawn stayed hopeful and eventually Topanga's parents did convince Topanga that just because their marriage failed, didn't mean that Cory and Topanga's love would fail. This was good news for Cory, but this new belief for Topanga, didn't translate for Angela.

Shawn and Angela didn't get back together until her father came for a visit in September. As it had turned out, Angela's mother had left her when she was little and she was nervous about being in a relationship. Shawn was slightly hurt that Angela hadn't shared such an important part of her life with him. She knew a lot about his past, but she kept such a big secret from him. He let it go though, there were still some things he hadn't shared too. He was just glad that they were back together. Everything was finally just as it was supposed to be.

November came quickly and it brought Cory and Topanga's wedding with it. Everyone was excited. It was about time that these two kids got married. What no one had expected though, was the fallout between Shawn and Cory.

Cory was driving Shawn insane and no one understood how hard it really was for Shawn. He had mentioned it briefly to the girls when he went into the apartment on the day of the wedding, but he didn't want to upset anyone. He wasn't handling Cory's wedding day very well.

He walked into the Matthews' home and heard Cory talking about how Shawn was sabotaging his wedding day. Shawn tried to explain himself. He was doing everything to try and make things work for the wedding, getting the cake, getting the rings, tying cans to the car, but nothing seemed to be getting done the way Cory wanted. Shawn hadn't even gotten to see Jon and Melanie yet and they had arrived yesterday.

"Shawn, what's really bothering you today?" Cory asked, trying not to sound insensitive.

"Cory, has it even occurred to you that this is the last day it's ever going to be just Cory and Shawn? You know, Shawn and Cory?"

Cory didn't know what to say. He had tried so hard to distract himself from thinking about how different things were going to be. He looked at the cans in his hand.

"Beans?"

"What's wrong with beans?" Shawn was slightly confused. He needed Cory to talk to him.

"Beans are not a wedding can. Beans do not say eternal love and happiness!"

Shawn shook his head and took Cory by the shoulders. "Cory, I'm trying to talk to you about this-"

"I don't want to talk about it right now."

Cory dropped the cans and refused to talk about it. He ignored Shawn's insistence that they talk and eventually Shawn told Cory to get a new best man. They continued to argue and in the end Shawn let it out that he wasn't even going to go to the wedding.

Shawn didn't know what to do. He really needed Cory to tell him that things were going to be okay. He needed Cory to assure him that nothing was going to change their friendship. Everyone was preparing for the wedding and he no longer had anything to do. He went back to his dorm and sat on his bed. He looked at Cory's things and started crying. He didn't mean to, but he couldn't stop himself. He knew he shouldn't be alone. He wanted to hurt himself. He hated himself for being so selfish. Here it was, his best friend's wedding day and he wasn't even going to be there. Instead he was going to hurt himself which he knew would also hurt his friends when they found out.

When he heard a knock at the door, he dried his eyes and opened the door. Jon Turner stood in the doorway and sighed.

"Come on, you can't miss this wedding."

Shawn left the door open as an invitation for Jon to enter as Shawn walked back to his bed. "He doesn't care. I'm just messing up his day and it's better to just stop pretending we're going to stay friends."

"Really Hunter?" Sometimes Jon didn't understand Shawn's way of thinking. "You and Cory have the greatest friendship I have ever seen between two people. He and Topanga have been together all your lives and it has never stopped you and Cory from having the stronger relationship and getting through everything."

Shawn put his hands in his pockets and thought about what Jon said. Amidst his thoughts, he realized that the wedding rings were in his pocket. He forgot he had them. In that moment he knew he had to go to the wedding. He could hate himself all he wanted, but he couldn't miss the wedding of his two best friends. The only people that he loved more than anything in the world were getting married and he had to be there.

Jon drove and they both arrived a bit late, but it was going to be okay. Jon snuck into the room unnoticed, but Shawn had to walk to the front. He walked into the wedding hall and saw Cory standing with Topanga at the front. They looked perfect together, just as they always had. He gave the rings to Cory and Cory apologized. Shawn was glad that it was all good again, but when he let it slip out that Cory should be sorry, everything became a mess. Cory and Shawn began to argue in front of everyone. He knew he shouldn't have come. He was screwing up the wedding just like he screwed up everything else in his life. He turned to leave.

"Have a wonderful life Cory."

Cory was furious that Shawn had come back only to cause a scene. "You too trailer trash!"

Shawn stopped in his tracks. He hated everything in his life that had brought him to this point. He hated his parents, he hated Cory; he hated himself. He turned and stared at Cory. He wished that Cory had left him on that bathroom floor all those years ago to die. He never understood why he was meant so much to these people and now the truth was finally out that Cory really did believe Shawn was useless trailer trash.

Shawn lost all control as he ran towards Cory and they tackled each other to the ground. Topanga and the girls backed away as the men rushed forward to pull the boys apart.

"Why don't you even care that we're not going to be friends anymore?" Shawn yelled as he tried not to cry.

"Why do you keep saying that? Why do you keep bringing that up?"

"Because you won't talk about it!"

"I don't wanna talk about it! Why do you think I've been sending you everywhere?"

"We have to talk about it!"

"I don't want to…"

Both boys were crying now as they stopped fighting against the men that were holding them back.

"We have to!"

"Now?"

"Cory, after you get married, things are gonna be different. And I don't have a lot of friends, ya know?" Everyone was quiet as they watched the boys work things through. Shawn hated that he was spilling his feelings in front of everyone like this.

He sat down on the small raised platform as Cory walked towards him. "Shawnie, I don't know what's gonna happen. What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know….do you really like her?"

"Yeah… I really do."

"Ya sure?"

Topanga walked over to the boys and bent down. "Shawn, I really think I've been very tolerant here."

Shawn smiled and looked at her, nodding. "Ok, marry her," he said to Cory.

"You're giving me your blessing?" Cory was glad that they had finally been able to talk.

"Yeah, well… ya gotta grow up sometime."

Shawn didn't leave Cory's side for most of the ceremony. Topanga said her vows and Shawn stood there, supporting Cory and Topanga, just like he always had.

At the reception he gave a wonderful speech. He knew things were changing, just the way they always were. He knew he couldn't hold on to Cory forever and that Topanga had to become Cory's new best friend. Everything was very difficult for Shawn. He didn't want to let their friendship change in the way it needed to. Cory had saved his life and been there for him through everything. He needed Cory to always be there and he loved Cory more than he loved himself. Even Topanga knew that he loved Cory more than she did. It was a running joke between the three of them. But Shawn wasn't sure he would be okay anymore.

Angela watched Shawn closely the rest of night. She could see the thin mask that he put up to hide how sad he really was about all of this. After they had to leave the wedding, they went back to Angela's apartment. They changed out of their wedding clothes and just lay on Angela's bed. Angela ran her hands through Shawn's hair slowly and watched him rest.

"Shawn honey, how are you feeling?"

Shawn was dreading when Angela would ask that question. He knew it was coming and he wasn't quite ready to talk about it. He closed his eyes and started crying.

Angela held him tightly and kissed his forehead. "It's alright baby."

She let him cry himself to sleep and she gently wiped the tears from his cheeks. She hoped he wouldn't spiral out of control.

The next day, Shawn woke up tired. He and Angela were supposed to have breakfast with Jon and Melanie, but he didn't feel rested. He looked at Angela as she slept and smiled. He was very lucky to have such an amazing girl. He felt bad that he had broken down, but he knew she wouldn't hold it against him. He sat up against the headboard, making sure not to wake Angela. He looked at his arms and ran his hand over the scars. He was comfortable wearing short sleeves around his family and friends, but he still didn't do it too often. Usually it was only if he was sleeping or hanging out at home. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hurt himself. He didn't feel the need to, but he noticed some of his earlier scars were fading and he didn't want them to disappear. He had such a love/hate relationship with his scars. He hated that they were so visible to everyone around him, but he loved having them for himself. He loved running his hands over the scars and feeling a kind of comfort from their texture and knowing that he had survived so much in life.

"Baby…Are you okay?" He hadn't even noticed that Angela had woken up.

"Hmmm? Uh, yeah," He looked over at her and kissed her cheek. "Just still tired I guess."

Angela was worried. She didn't like that he was being vague. "Shawn… I was thinking, maybe you should move in here… I mean, Cory and Topanga are going to be living together, so we're both in need of a roommate…" She watched for a reaction.

Shawn thought for a moment. "That makes sense actually… But are you sure…"

"Of course I am. We can start moving you in this afternoon if you want."

Shawn smiled and closed his eyes. "Alright, you should ask Rachel though. Make sure she's cool with it."

Angela smiled. She didn't want to leave Shawn alone. She knew him well and she knew he wasn't fine. She kissed him passionately before getting out of bed. "Do you still want to go out for breakfast with Mr. Turner?"

Shawn nodded and got up. They both went about their routine of getting ready and Shawn changed into the clothes he brought with him. Finally they walked out to the living room. Rachel was sitting on the couch reading the paper.

"Hey guys, how are you two?"

Shawn smiled and Angela took his hand.

"We're good," she said grabbing her keys from the counter. "We're going to go get some breakfast…but, um…we wanted to ask you, would it be alright if Shawn moved into Topanga's room?"

Rachel put down her paper and smiled. "Sure. I don't mind."

"Thanks Rach." Shawn smiled and opened the door for Angela. He knew he would eventually be okay again. But it was going to be a while.

After breakfast, Shawn gave Jon and Melanie a tour of campus while Angela went to clean out Topanga's bedroom at the apartment. Shawn was glad to have Jon around. They had a late lunch at the student union and talked more about what going on for the couple. They were thinking of having a kid soon and Melanie smiled and announced she was actually one month pregnant.

They guys were ecstatic and Shawn congratulated both of them. He knew Jon was going to be an amazing father. They spent a while talking about baby things and before they knew it, Shawn had to drive them to the airport for their 7 o' clock flight.

He congratulated them again and promised to call soon. He watched them leave and walked back to his car. He drove back to his dorm room and picked up some clothes and basic things he would need at the apartment. Angela had already told him he wasn't going to be staying by himself in the dorm anymore. They could move his stuff in gradually, but he needed to stay with her. He sat on his bed and looked around the room. His life would never be this way again. He would never have Cory as a roommate again and he mourned the loss of their childhood friendship. He knew they were still friends, but they lost a certain aspect of their friendship that he had never noticed until it was time to change. He felt the sudden urge to tear his skin open and he knew he had to leave. He grabbed his bag and walked out of the room, not looking back. He knew if he looked back he would walk into the room again and relapse worse than ever.

He drove back to the apartment in a slight daze. He was mainly disassociated. He didn't really connect with his own body, like he was sitting in the car watching himself drive. He parked his car at the apartment, turned off the car, and sat, staring out of the windshield. After about 5 minutes, he was moved back to reality by a knock on the driver's side window.

"Shawn? Why don't you come upstairs now, okay?"

He stared at Angela and nodded, grabbing his bag from the passenger seat before opening the door.

She took his hand and led him upstairs. He sat on the couch and put his bag on the floor.

Rachel could see that Shawn wasn't completely functional and nodded to Angela to let her know she would give them some space. As Rachel walked to her room, Angela sat next to Shawn on the couch and pulled him against her in a side hug.

"Shawn honey, I need you to talk to me. Can you tell me what's going on?"

Shawn blinked and took Angela's hand. He was beginning to regain control of his thoughts.

"I… I should let you know I feel like I might hurt myself. " He didn't want to scare her, but he wanted someone to know what was happening in his head.

Angela squeezed his hand and let him keep talking.

"It's always been Cory and Shawn or Shawn and Cory and now I just…" He didn't feel like he was explaining his thoughts properly. He paused before trying again. "Cory and Topanga have always been together. They've been in love for so long and it's never kept me and Cory apart… But now that he's married, we're never going to be as close as we used to be…"

Angela waited, trying to figure out what was best to say. "You and Cory will always be better friends than anyone. Shawn, there are certain things that people get out of best friends that they can't get out of a marriage. It's good that you and Cory won't have the same type of friendship that you've always had. You're not losing any part of your friendship; you're just getting a new aspect."

Shawn knew she was right, but it didn't make things hurt any less. He just hated not knowing what the future would bring. He had always hated that.


	5. Chapter 5

Shawn's day to day was pretty normal. He settled into the apartment again and relied on Angela for more support while Cory was gone. When Cory was back he tried to be there for Cory and Topanga as they struggled to find a place to live and begin their married life.

Everything was fine until Shawn received a letter in the mail in February. He looked at the return address and saw it was from his mother. He wasn't sure what to do. He tried to breathe evenly as he leaned against the counter staring at the letter.

Angela walked over, seeing that Shawn's face had gone blank. "Shawn? What is it?"

"Um, Angela, I… I don't know what to do."

Angela walked over to Shawn at the kitchen counter. "What's going on?"

"It's a letter…from my mom."

Angela had no idea what this meant. She knew she walked out on Shawn, but he didn't ever talk about her. "Do you want to open it?"

Shawn tried to think and then quickly composed himself. He put the letter in in pocket and turned to her. "I don't know. I'll think about it. Come on, we've gotta go help plan Mr. Matthews party."

They walked over to the Matthews and were surprised to find Alan was there. Looks like the planning part was over if he was there. Shawn wished Alan a happy birthday as Angela announced to everyone that Shawn had gotten a letter from his mom. Cory started to panic as he tried to convince Shawn not to open it. Everyone else said that Shawn might need to open it for his own reasons. Before Cory could stop him, Shawn had opened the letter.

"It says my mom is in Honduras and she's never coming back- that's nothing new… and now that dad is dead I have the right to know something…." Cory snatched the letter from his hands, but the damage had been done. A look of shock settled on his face.

Alan stared at the boys. "Shawn?"

"She's not my real mother…"

No one knew what to say. Shawn was shocked. It made sense really. If he wasn't her kid, no wonder she always treated him like shit.

People around him began to think quickly. This was a tough situation and they couldn't let Shawn sink into this news.

"Shawn, it's alright-" Alan began to talk.

"No… yeah. It's fine. This is great news. I should find my real mom."

Everyone stared at Shawn; Cory knew things weren't going to be okay.

In the next couple days, everyone helped Shawn try to figure out who his mother was. They met in the apartment and looked through his family history. He found out quite a bit about his heritage, and eventually narrowed it down to one woman. Jack filled out the information and sent out a trace to find Shawn's mother.

He didn't know what would happen really. He wanted this mother to want him. He knew it was a long shot. He knew that she probably wouldn't want him. But he wanted to know what could have been; how different his life would have been had his real mother raised him.

Eventually, the envelope arrived. Shawn walked to the student union where everyone was hanging out. He was excited and nervous. He hadn't told anyone, but this was really important to him now. He had spent a lot of time thinking about what his real mother was like. Did he get his poetry talent from her? What did she do for a living? Why did she leave? So many questions and it all came down to this envelope.

He opened it with everyone and his face fell as he read that she couldn't be found. He covered his look of disappointment and told everyone he'd be fine. He could tell they didn't quite believe him, but he needed to be alone. He got up to leave and assured everyone he would be alright.

Cory sighed and watched his best friend leave.

Topanga walked up to her boyfriend. "Cory? What do you think he'll do?"

"Probably something that will devastate himself and everyone around him."

"The usual…" Angela sighed. They all knew that Shawn was not going to be fine.

Shawn walked to the park near campus. He liked it there because from the top of the hill he could see all of downtown Philly. He sat down on a bench and sighed. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He wanted to cry, cut, drink, anything to keep his self-hatred from eating him alive. This was just another mother who didn't want him. How many relatives did he have to go through until he realized that no one wanted him? He got up from the bench and decided to walk around. He was too anxious to be sitting and he just needed to move. So he walked downtown, not really paying attention to anything. He had a couple hours before Alan's birthday party and he didn't even really want to go anymore. He hated that his own family didn't love him but the Matthews had always been there for him. He stopped at a corner and waited for the traffic to stop so he could cross the street. He needed to buy a card or something for Alan. He spotted a convenience store on his side of the road and walked in. He tried to find the greeting cards, but he first had to pass the alcohol section to get to them. He stopped there instead. He thought about what he was doing. He knew this was wrong. He couldn't drink again. He's an alcoholic and getting drunk won't solve his problems, he tried to reason with himself. He watched himself grab the cheapest bottle of scotch and he already hated himself. He purchased the alcohol with his fake ID and walked back to his apartment. Everyone else was out helping to set up for the party, so he had the apartment to himself, but he locked himself in his room anyway. He took the cap off the bottle and started drinking. He figured the quicker he got drunk, the sooner this could all be over and he could hate himself a little less.

He finished the bottle in an hour and lay down on his bed. His mind was finally quiet and he didn't have a thought in his head.

He walked over to the Matthews' and discovered that he was a couple minutes late.

"Happy birthday Cory's father," Shawn said, walking in the door.

Cory could tell something was wrong. He hadn't seen Shawn since that afternoon and so Shawn had a lot of time to hurt himself. "Shawn can I talk you, I just want to talk to you for a second."

"No, no, no, I don't wanna talk to you."

"Yeah…oh boy," Cory could smell the alcohol on Shawn as he stepped aside.

They had it figured out. Shawn walked over to Angela and tried to play it cool. He thought he was doing a pretty good job of keeping himself together. Jack confronted him, but it quickly became clear how drunk Shawn was.

"Let's go for a walk or something," Angela said, trying to get Shawn out of the situation.

"You still love me?"

"Yeah Shawn, I do."

Shawn looked at Angela and realized how sad he really was. "We don't have any mommies…"

"Shawn, why don't you come into the kitchen with me?" Alan wanted to help Shawn. He was obviously a mess and he needed an adult to help him.

Shawn walked towards Alan, "You're not my dad. I don't have a dad…And I don't have a mom…I'm an orphan….I'm an old orphan. My childhood is over and I never had…any parents."

Shawn's voice cracked and he began to cry. He stared at Alan and then realized what he was doing. He sat on the edge of the coffee table and talked to himself out loud. "Oh God, stop whining! I…I hate you."

Everyone was quiet as they watched Shawn cry. No one had realized just how much Shawn hated himself for everything. No one knew how to fix Shawn's self-hatred. He usually seemed so put together and confident about himself, but here he was, admitting that he completely hated himself.

"I'll be your father." Alan said after a moment.

Shawn laughed and looked up at Alan. "You want to adopt me?"

Alan and Amy smiled as they explained how they wanted to have him be part of the family officially. He'd always been part of their family and technically they had been his legal guardians. They could just get the paperwork and make an adoption official. Shawn stared at them and then walked out of the house without a word.

He didn't know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he couldn't be around people anymore. Eventually, like always, Cory found Shawn and tried to confront him and convince him to come back to the house.

"I'm going to the cemetery," Shawn told Cory. He realized he needed to see his father's grave and think about what was happening to himself.

Cory didn't want to go, so Shawn went alone. He was sobering up, but he could tell he was still slightly drunk. As he got to his father's grave he looked at the headstone.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did no one in my life want me?" Shawn sat down against the stone and started crying again. He knew he'd never get any answers. He let his hands fall to his sides and felt that his pocket knife in his pocket. He'd forgotten that he put it there before he left the apartment that night. He pulled it out and it felt heavy in his hands. He began to cry harder as he realized what he was contemplating. He couldn't relapse on both drinking and cutting in one night. He flipped the knife open and stared at the blade. He waited. Maybe Cory would show up again and make the decision for him. If someone showed up to stop him, everything would be fine. But no one was coming. He had sent Cory away and had ruined everyone else's evening. The more he thought, the more he hated what he had become. He rolled up his jacket sleeve and didn't even think before slicing into his arms. He went over his old scars and watched as they slowly began to bleed. There was a lot of scar tissue on his arm and it was more difficult to cut now. He was glad he was alone. He deserved to be alone. He made 5 cuts and then put the knife back in his pocket. He laughed at himself as he thought it fitting that he was bleeding on his father's grave. He hadn't intended for any of this to be happening. Why couldn't Virna just let things be? He was fine when he thought she was just his abusive mother. Now what was she? Just a woman who liked to hurt other people's kids? Why did she come back all those years ago if she wasn't even his mother?

He wiped his arm on the bottom of his t-shirt, zipped up his jacket, and rolled down his sleeve as he saw Cory approaching. He really hoped he could hide this.

"Did you say what you needed to Shawn?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Then come back to my house, okay?"

Shawn was nervous. He couldn't go back there in this condition. People would notice the blood. Cory stepped closer to Shawn and pulled his arm. "Let's go."

Shawn winced and hoped Cory didn't see. Cory didn't see Shawn's reaction, but he did see that his own hand was suddenly red with blood.

"Shawn… why is there blood?"

"Just…" Shawn didn't know how to deal with this. He was still drunk and upset and didn't want to have to disappoint people anymore.

When Shawn didn't reply, Cory sighed. "Let's just get back to my house and clean this up."

They walked back to Cory's car and drove home in silence. They walked in the front door and everyone looked slightly relieved until they saw blood on Shawn's hands and at the bottom of his shirt.

Angela started silently crying, Amy and Alan sighed, everyone else just stared at Shawn, except Jack. Jack was angry. He had never wanted to see Shawn be so broken. "Do you really hate yourself this much Shawn?"

"Yeah, I actually do," Shawn muttered quietly.

Cory just stared at Shawn, not wanting to believe that this was all still happening.

"What?" Jack nearly whispered in disbelief. He hadn't actually thought Shawn felt that way.

"I hate myself all the time. I always have. I'm stupid, annoying, self-destructive, selfish, and useless. Nothing anyone says can change that… I keep hurting everyone who actually cares about me and I don't know how to stop."

No one knew what to say. They all loved him; they just didn't know how to help.

Alan walked towards Shawn and Shawn handed him a gift. "Here, sorry for ruining your birthday, I got you something."

Alan opened the present and felt touched. It was a clay mold of Shawn's hands like the kids make in kindergarten.

"'To my dad'… Thank you Shawn."

Normally Shawn would have hated having to be this open while everyone was around, but he was kind of drunk and didn't care. "I know I'm a mess, and I know I'm a horrible son, but if you'll still have me, I can't think of better parents than you two."

Alan hugged Shawn and Amy began to cry. She couldn't believe how much this boy really believed that he was a terrible person. He was told so much that he was a terrible son and he actually believed it. She walked over and hugged Shawn as well.

"Come on honey, let's go clean you up." She led Shawn into the kitchen and let everyone else get back to the party. Shawn walked to the sink took off his jacket, revealing 5 deep cuts and a lot of dried blood. They washed the blood of his arm and placed some paper towels over the cuts to stop the bleeding that had started up again. Shawn went and sat down at the kitchen table as Amy got the first aid kit.

Shawn watched Amy wrap his cuts with gauze and then place a kiss over the wrapped cuts.

"Shawn, I'm your mother now, and I can tell you that you are an amazing and sweet little boy and we are so lucky to have you. I know that you may not believe it, but there is nothing you can do that can make us stop loving you."

"Um… Thanks." Shawn smiled. He wasn't sure what it was going to mean, becoming a Matthews, but he knew it would be good.

Shawn and Angela drove back to the apartment that night after the party. As they sat on the couch in the living room, Angela kept glancing at Shawn's bandaged arm. Shawn noticed that he had hurt Angela by relapsing so badly.

"It's alright that our mothers left us Shawn. We have each other and you're going to be okay."

Shawn didn't look up at her as he began to talk.

"It's not that Angela. I just…I get why she would treat me like shit growing up, since I wasn't hers… but I don't understand why she came back years ago just to beat me. If she knew she wasn't my mother, why did she insist on hurting me? And why didn't my own mother care enough to make sure I was okay?"

Angela ran her thumb against the side of Shawn's face but didn't know what to say.

Shawn was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what he needed to say.

"I'm sorry about tonight Angela. I think I just need to go to sleep."

Angela nodded and kissed his forehead. "Alright baby. If you need me, just wake me up, okay?"

Shawn went to his room and fell asleep quickly. He was glad that the alcohol and the crying had made him sleepy.

Angela woke up at 3 that morning to the sound of screaming in the next room. She ran out of her room and ran into Rachel as they both found themselves outside of Shawn's door. Angela opened the door and found Shawn sitting in his bed crying. He was breathing heavily but had stopped screaming.

Rachel turned on the light as Angela went and sat on Shawn's bed, taking him in her arms. "Shawn, it's alright. It was only a dream. You're okay now." She squeezed his shoulder, trying to reassure him of his safety.

Rachel rubbed her hand on his back before leaving the room and letting Angela take care of him.

After a couple minutes Shawn was able to talk. His voice was raspy and quiet, but Angela paid attention.

"I'm sorry I have all this shit that you have to deal with. I always think I'm doing okay and then everything comes back... She almost killed me once… junior year when she came back. I sometimes still wish she had. Every time I have a nightmare it's like they've come back again to beat me…"

Tears were still falling and Shawn couldn't stop them. They were just his body's reaction and he had no control over it. "I'm an adult now but I still feel like a stupid kid all the time who's scared of monsters under his bed or something."

"Shawn, tell me about the nightmare tonight. Don't keep it inside. Those monsters were very real and you're allowed to be scared."

Shawn buried his head in her chest and waited until he was breathing evenly.

"I don't know. This exact situation has never happened, but it was so real… We were back in the trailer. I was like 8 or something and dad was yelling at Virna about how stupid I was. She looked at me with such hate in her eyes and started throwing things at me. Anything that was within her reach she threw. But dad kept yelling. He told her she wasn't doing it right so he came over to me and started punching me. He laughed and threw me at the wall. When I fell, he just kept kicking me until Virna came over and grabbed my arm. She twisted it so…wrong and I could hear it break. She opened the trailer park door and threw me out onto the ground outside, telling me they never loved me and no wonder my real mom left. I was screaming for help in the empty trailer park when I woke up…"

Angela started crying quietly. She never understood how much pain Shawn had actually gone through that wasn't self-inflicted. She knew his father had been abusive, but for this woman who called herself his mother for so many years to cause him so much pain, Angela didn't know how to make things better.

Shawn was still so tired but he didn't want to fall back asleep into his nightmares. "Angela… can you just sleep here with me for now."

Angela nodded and turned off the light before they both laid down together and fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The Matthews adopted Shawn over the next couple weeks. It didn't change much in the way of everyday life, he didn't even change his last name, but it did give Shawn a sense of belonging that he hadn't been able to feel before. He couldn't believe that he was part of a family that cared so much about each other. A family that had always been there for him and that he had always wanted to be a part of. Over their final weeks of their sophomore year everyone was preparing for different things. Topanga was in the process of interviewing for a Brown-Elliot internship. Jack, Eric, and Rachel were all graduating soon. The hardest part was when Angela left for Europe with her father.

Shawn loved Angela and he trusted her. He knew that she needed time to be with her father and he couldn't hold her back from exploring the world, even if it meant that he might fall apart without her.

After Jack, Eric, and Rachel graduated, Cory, Topanga, Eric, and Shawn spent their summer in New York. Eric and Shawn lived together in an apartment across from Cory and Topanga. That was one of the requirements when they were finding a place. They had to have 2 separate apartments that were near each other. Life was actually really good. Shawn was working part time at a travel magazine. He was really getting into the photojournalism side of things. Eric was interning at ABC, still trying to be a weatherman. Topanga was doing her internship at the Brown/Elliot Law firm and Cory found a job as a secretary at an accounting firm, but eventually found out that accounting wasn't what he wanted to do with his life.

At the end of the summer, they had to inevitably get back to Penn Brook for their junior year. Eric stayed in New York, excited to have an opportunity to eventually reach his dream job. He had found something he was good at and passionate about.

The other three made their way back to Philly and were really happy to have had such a new opportunity. Cory and Topanga went back to their apartment in the married dorms and Shawn struggled to figure out what he was going to do. Jack and Rachel were in the Peace Corps and new people were renting the apartment that was a home for the group of friends for so many years. It's not like he could afford to live there anymore anyway. He ended up living in the dorms again and chose not to have a roommate. He didn't want to live with anyone that he didn't know.

Classes started up and it was difficult for Shawn to be apart from Angela. They stayed in touch for a while, trying to make the long distance thing work. Shawn was sure they would make it, the fact that she would be back in May kept him going. He focused on his schoolwork and his writing. He wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, but he knew he either wanted to write or take pictures. Shawn was doing really well but at the end of their junior year until Angela called and said she wasn't coming home yet. She was going to complete her education at a university in France. She loved Shawn dearly, but she needed some time to explore her own passions in life.

Shawn didn't know what that meant for the two of them. They didn't break up because neither one of them wanted to end the relationship, but they grew more distant as their second year apart went on.

The summer before his senior year, Shawn went out to California again to visit the Turners. They had a son named Thomas and he was a cute little trouble maker. Shawn spent the summer helping out with the baby and experiencing what it was like to be a big brother.

Shawn spent his senior year of college just going through the motions of life. He didn't feel alive without Angela there with him. He became restless at night and his nightmares came more often. One difficult night in the middle of March, Shawn picked up the phone and called Jon Turner for the first time in months.

"Hello?" Jon sounded tired but alert.

"Sorry Jon, it's Shawn…" Shawn was unsure of what he was doing. He didn't know what he wanted Turner to do, he couldn't fix Shawn's life, but he just needed someone to care like he did years ago.

"Shawn! It's great to hear from you! What's going on?" Jon was excited. He set his son in his crib and motioned for Melanie to take over the bedtime routine. He walked into his living room and sat on the couch, knowing something was probably wrong.

"Yeah, uh, sorry for not keeping in touch more. I've just not been myself lately."

"I kinda noticed something was going on while you were here this summer. What's up?"

"Well, I just… I guess I miss Angela. She barely calls or writes anymore but I still need her Jon. I don't feel alive without her."

Jon didn't know how to help. He knew that Shawn had never made as much progress towards happiness as he did when he was with Angela. He did need that girl and she just didn't understand how much she had helped.

"Shawn, the best you can do it call and write her. Let her know you still need her." He hesitated and felt he had to make sure Shawn was safe. "I just need to know, have you been hurting yourself?"

Shawn sighed and closed his eyes. "No… I feel like it sometimes, but I don't. I think that's why I called you now. I just didn't know what else to do…"

"That's good Shawn. I'm glad you called. Isn't it pretty late there? Why don't you try and get some sleep. It might help."

Shawn agreed and promised to call soon.

Shawn spent the next several weeks writing to Angela and making sure she knew he still loved her. She seemed to respond to all his letters but she only answered a couple times when he called. He hated not knowing what was really going on with her. About a week before graduation, he called her continuously until she answered. He would always regret calling her that night.

Angela sighed as she tried to explain to Shawn that she loved him but she needed her space.

"You're half way around the world, how much space do you need Angela!?" Shawn was crushed that she was ending the relationship but he could only express anger.

She didn't want to hold him back from meeting new people because she wasn't sure when she was coming home and it wasn't fair to either of them. She broke up with him and their phone call ended with both of them in tears.

Shawn put down his phone and sat at the desk in his room. He couldn't believe it was actually over. He wished he had never made that call. He didn't think that their relationship could just end like that. She loved him. They were supposed to be together. It was only supposed to be a year…

He opened his desk drawer and didn't even try to talk himself out of cutting open his skin. He took out the pocket knife and rolled up his sleeve, laying his arm on the desk. He cut his arm until the tears stopped falling from his eyes and his arm was covered in cuts. He knew he wasn't going to bleed to death. The cuts weren't that deep. He moved towards the closet and wrapped his arm in a towel before lying on his bed. He put his arm under his stomach as he lay face down, trying to put pressure on the cuts. He lay in silence until he began to cry again, hating himself for letting Angela go two years ago. He cried himself to sleep that night and hoped that he could hide everything from everyone who was coming into town for graduation.


	7. Chapter 7

Graduation seemed to be a blur. Everyone was there except Angela. The Turners, Mr. Feeny, all the Matthews, Rachel, and Jack showed up to celebrate not only graduation but also Topanga's newly announced pregnancy. She had already told Cory and Shawn, but at the graduation party, they told everyone.

It was all very surreal for Shawn. He stood there surrounded by all his friends and remembered back to his high school graduation. Back then he thought everything was going to be okay. He hadn't imagined that 4 years later he would still be so broken. He was better, sure, but everyone around him was so much better than he was. They weren't selfish and self-destructive. Shawn knew they were all going to be okay, he wasn't so sure about himself anymore. He tried not to think about how unsure he still was about his life. He hadn't told anyone that Angela had officially broken up with him a week ago and Shawn wasn't sure what he was going to do. He hadn't seen her in 2 years, but he still loved her as if they were together every day. The party was at the Matthews home in the back yard and Shawn tried to focus on having a good time. Everyone began to demand speeches from the 3 graduates and Cory was more than happy to start off.

"You know, when Topanga told me she was pregnant, I started to think about where this little one was going to grow up. We're moving to New York tomorrow and we're still unsure of how long we're going to live there. We may build our life there or we may come back here. We could even move across the country at some point. I was nervous. This has always been my home. I loved growing up here, and I just keep hoping that our baby is going to have as amazing of a childhood as I did. It seems weird to be leaving the only home I've ever known. What's weirder is that Mr. Feeny isn't following us into the future." Cory looked towards Feeny and smiled. "You know Feeny, New York always has room for more teachers." Everyone laughed and looked to Cory to continue.

"We have had you as our teacher every single year of our lives, and I know that we really gave you a run for your money. I don't know how you did it man. I don't know how all of you did it. Mom, dad, I can only hope that we are half as good of parents as you two have been. Thank you everyone for being part of our lives. I expect you all to come to New York often because I am never going to say goodbye. We'll always see you soon."

Topanga hugged Cory as everyone toasted to Cory's speech. When a quiet had settled amongst everyone Topanga knew it was her turn.

"It's hard for me to believe that I won't be getting anymore A's from Feeny," she laughed. "I love where our life is heading and I know that we're all heading there together. Unlike Cory, I'm not nervous about this baby's future because I know that as long as all of us are together, this baby will have an amazing life surrounded by people that love it. I can't imagine a better life for me than the one I have. I love that our lives have been here and that we have triumphed over everything life threw at us. I can never thank you all enough for making me the person I am today…" Topanga began to cry as she looked around at all the people who had always supported her. "As we move on and keep growing up I just want you all to know that you mean so much to me." She smiled and laughed with everyone. She didn't know what else to say, so she leaned back in her chair and looked towards Shawn.

Shawn smiled and stood up from his chair. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. It all seemed so melodramatic really. It's not like he would never see these people again. They were his family and…he stopped thinking and realized he just needed to say what was on his mind.

"As you all know, I've had a lot of drama in my life. This whole speech thing seems slightly melodramatic because I know we're all still going to see each other. So we graduated and are moving onto the next chapter in life; that doesn't mean that you all aren't in the rest of the book." Shawn looked at this little makeshift family that had formed around him over the years and he tried not to cry.

"I… I never thought that this day would ever happen for me. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for each and every one of you. I was surprised enough when I graduated high school, but here I am, a college graduate… Growing up, I didn't get to live in this nice house and live next to Mr. Feeny. I always wished I did… But over the years it seemed too impossible that the poor, abused, trailer park kid would… _ever_…" Shawn began to cry as he found it hard to keep talking. His voice cracked as he continued, "have so many people that loved him. I can never do for you all what you've done for me."

He took a deep breath and paused, trying to figure out if he really wanted to say everything in his head. Everyone was crying and waiting to hear anything Shawn had to say.

"Over the years I've struggled to be alive. When Cory saved my life seven years ago, I never figured out what he saved it for. I still don't know what's going to happen in the next few years. I know I still have a long way to go to be okay, but I think I understand that he was saving my life for moments like this: moments where I finally understand that life isn't worth living unless there are people around to make it worthwhile. Moments where you all helped me prove myself wrong. I never thought I would have this many people in my life who care so much. I always thought I would be lucky if I ever had one family care about me. But here I am with this kind of… makeshift family that has formed out of several separate families. I don't know what's going to happen next and I can't imagine that it's going to be easy. We're leaving for New York, but I still need all of you in my life. You all never gave up on me, not once. Including you Feeny. You were just a teacher who had the bad luck of living next to a student with a punk best friend. But you were always there. You showed up at hospitals, family gatherings…everything. You've always been more than a teacher for us Mr. Feeny. We may be out of your classrooms for good, but we're keeping you around in our lives anyway. Amy, Alan, I never thought you would actually be my parents. I had always wished that by some miracle, you would be, but I can't be any more grateful than I am for your love… Jon- you took me in when I thought no one would ever care enough. Jack- you proved something good can come from a Hunter. All of you are the best people I could have ever asked for." Shawn smiled and covered his face with his hand as he sat down.

No one said anything for a moment until they all began clapping. Shawn had never been so completely forthcoming with the thoughts he held about his life. The party was set to end in a couple minutes and so people began to say their goodbyes. Jack, Rachel, and Eric said their goodbyes for the night and went out to a movie. Eric still lived in New York and he was going to see them soon. Jack and Rachel were going to join them in New York in a couple weeks, so they really weren't planning on a big goodbye. The Matthews went inside and waited to say their goodbyes tomorrow morning. The Turners congratulated Cory and Topanga before Jon pulled Shawn aside.

"I am so proud of you kid... When I took you in, I did it for me as much as I did it for you. I needed you in my life at the time, but I never imagined that we would make it this far. I had no idea how to help you. I never even thought about having kids and then suddenly I was raising a teenager. You will always be a son to me and I wouldn't trade those years with you for anything. I am so glad that we kept you alive Shawn."

Shawn started tearing up again as he pulled Jon in and hugged him tightly. After a moment, he let go and hugged Melanie too. He then kneeled down and hugged Thomas. "You're a great little brother Tom. You be good, you have one of the best dads in the world." Thomas smiled and leaned against Shawn's knee. Jon smiled and picked up his son. They left as Mr. Feeny approached to say his goodbye.

Everyone had gone by now and Feeny was left with his three students in front of him.

"I don't want to make a speech, so I'll keep it short… There comes a time in a teacher's career when he must let his students go. It is your job as students to outgrow your teachers and to learn until I have nothing left to teach. But you're right. I haven't been just your teacher in quite a long time. You three have given me more joy over the years than all the other students in my years of teaching. I have enjoyed watching and helping you grow. I am truly thankful that you are all still here today. I have helped guide you all along the way, just as everyone else here has. But individually, you are each responsible for the choices you made that brought you to this point in your lives. Cory you have always done your best for the people around you and you somehow knew when it was time for help and when it was time to do something yourself. Topanga, you have become the brightest young woman that I have ever had the pleasure of teaching. You have always succeeded in whatever you tried, and I know you will continue to do so…" Feeny paused. He had started to tear up and he hated goodbyes which was probably why he kept following these kids around. "Shawn… I once told you that that you would grow into a man who could concur anything, and I am pleased to see that you have become the man I always knew you could be. I have always been waiting for the day that you realize just how amazing of a young man you really are. Life has treated you unfairly but you always triumph over the tragedy and pain. I have always been inspired by your sheer will to keep going when everything, including yourself, told you to stop." Feeny paused and wiped his glasses with his handkerchief and continued. "I do love you all. I am honored to have been your teacher."

No one spoke as the three graduates stood up and pulled Feeny into a group hug. When everyone had stopped crying, Cory, Shawn, and Topanga watched Mr. Feeny walk over to his side of the fence and disappear into his house.

Despite what they said in their speeches, none of them were sure they were truly ready to leave home.


	8. Chapter 8

Shawn, Cory, and Topanga safely arrived in New York to begin their new lives. Shawn was moving in with Eric while Cory and Topanga were moving into the apartment at the end of the hallway. Eric had told the landlord months in advanced that they wanted any apartment that became free in their complex. Luckily 5E had opened up just a month before graduation.

They all had decent jobs now. Eric was the substitute weatherman at the local news station and so he went on air every time the lead weatherman couldn't make it. When he wasn't on air, he was doing basic research on weather patterns for the station.

Topanga started NYU law school on her full scholarship from Brown and Elliot.

Cory became certified as a teacher in New York and was a full time substitute teacher at the public school.

Shawn started writing for a newspaper called The New York Press. It was no New York Times, but he was writing and making good money.

New York was lively but Shawn mostly kept to himself. He would go out with Eric, Cory, and Topanga, but he didn't really work on meeting new friends. Jack and Rachel were around sometimes. They lived in Queens, so they were a subway ride away, but he was usually hanging out with Cory in the apartment or at a local pizza place near their apartments.

It wasn't until September that the excitement of the city wore off and Shawn began to feel tired all the time. Women at work were all very beautiful and were always slipping him their numbers, but it only made him miss Angela so much more and he just wished they'd never broken up. He didn't feel like he was actively involved in his own life anymore.

He sat in his room one Friday in the middle of the month and contemplated what he was about to do. He had so many people he could call. Heck, he could walk down the hall and bother Cory and Topanga. But he didn't. He just didn't have the energy to explain why he was still so broken.

Shawn closed his eyes and took out his pocket knife. It was sharp and he knew he just needed to feel something; anything to know he was still alive. He didn't count his cuts as he sliced into his arm multiple times. When he was done, he just stared at his arm. There was too much blood. He wanted it to stop bleeding already. He had applied too much pressure and the cuts were too deep. He hadn't wanted to go that deep; he had to though in order to even bleed anymore. The built up scar tissue had kept him from making the shallow cuts he had started with so long ago. He had been bleeding now for 10 minutes and he knew he had to do something. He didn't want to die. Months ago he had just promised everyone that he wanted to live. He told them he was doing better. This wasn't supposed to be happening. He got off his bed and walked slowly into the living room to get to the phone. He didn't know Eric was in the apartment and instantly hated himself when he saw the look on Eric's face.

Eric looked up from the TV show as he saw Shawn enter the living room. He didn't know Shawn was still awake. It was 10 pm on a Friday night. Shawn certainly had better things to do than hang out in their apartment. His mind went blank when he saw the blood covering Shawn's arm. He scrambled to stand up and get over to Shawn. Shawn leaned against the wall of the living room and slid down so he could sit on the floor.

"Call for help, call… Cory." Shawn closed his eyes and tried to keep pressure on his arm. His hands were covered in blood along with the arm he had left huge gashes in. The towel he had used to try and clean up the bleeding was soaked in blood and Shawn was getting tired. He heard Eric on the phone he didn't know who he was calling but he was glad Eric was there.

After what seemed like hours to Shawn, Eric was kneeling next to Shawn.

"Shawn, hold on okay? The ambulance is on their way and Cory will be here in a second… oh God Shawn, what have you done?" Eric seemed to say the last part to himself. He didn't know Shawn was still doing this. He remembered the last time they lived together and Shawn did this. It was never this bad. Eric moved Shawn's hand away from the wound and applied pressure to Shawn's arm. Shawn had lost the strength to apply pressure for himself, so Eric just pressed down and tried to keep Shawn awake.

"Come on Shawn, talk to me buddy."

"Sorry…Eric…I'm just tired now…"

Eric looked towards the door as he heard Cory and Topanga enter the apartment. Eric finally breathed. He hadn't noticed he had stopped breathing in all the chaos.

"No, no Shawn, Cory and Topanga are here now; gotta stay awake for them."

Cory ran over and knelt down in front of Shawn, taking Shawn's face into his hands. "Not again Shawn! You cannot do this again. You remember what I told you the first time? You're not leaving me Shawnie."

"Cor…I'm sorry… this time…I didn't… mean it."

"But why Shawn?"

"Accident Cor. Needed to…feel somethi…"

Topanga cried and watched the three boys who meant the most to her struggle to control what was happening. She heard the paramedics in the hallway and went to open the door wider. She hadn't closed it when she and Cory entered, but she went over to lead them in. "He's right over there."

Shawn finally fell asleep as the paramedics put him onto a stretcher and took him out of the apartment. Cory rode with them in the ambulance and Topanga drove her and Eric to the hospital behind them.

Cory waited anxiously with Eric and Topanga in the waiting room. They had no idea why Shawn had started hurting himself so badly again. Topanga squeezed Cory's hand and pulled out her cell phone. She was 4 months pregnant and the stress was not going to be good for her or the baby, but the boys were not going to be able to make the phone calls that needed to be made. She dialed Amy and Alan at home and breathed a sigh of relief when she heard Amy's voice.

"Hi Amy, it's Topanga."

"Oh hi, hon. What's going on?" Amy seemed perky and Topanga wished they didn't have to deal with this situation again.

"Shawn's in the hospital again… Eric found him…"

"No…" Amy didn't want to believe it. Hadn't all her sons been through enough already? "We'll get there as soon as we can."

"Alright, see you soon." Topanga gave her the address of the hospital and hung up, trusting Amy to make the rest of the calls that would need to be made. Topanga sat with the boys in silence, hoping they would hear news soon.

Amy had just put Josh to bed and Morgan was out on a date. She walked back into the living room where she and Alan had been watching a movie. "Get the car. We have to go to New York. I have to go talk to George. It should take about an hour right? He'll be okay-"

Alan stared at his wife as she seemed to be talking to herself. He stood up and walked over to Amy.

"Calm down. What happened?"

"Shawn…"

Amy didn't need to even finish her sentence for Alan to understand the situation. "Go get in the car. I'll have George come over here and I'll meet you in the car."

Amy nodded and went to grab her coat and purse. Alan walked through the kitchen, grabbing his keys on his way out the door. He urgently knocked on Feeny's door and hoped the man was home.

"Alan…what's going on?" George asked, opening the door and turning on his porch light.

"We need you to come over and watch Josh. Shawn is in the hospital and we need to drive to New York. Josh is sleeping, just-"

George quickly exited his house. "Go. I have things under control here."

Alan patted George on the back and began to walk towards the garage. "Morgan's on a date, she should be home by midnight. Thanks George."

Alan ran to the car and started their long drive to New York.

George called Mr. Turner and felt the odd sense of déjà vu. He hated all the times that they had been through this situation before. Jon took the news like he always did. He still hated being away from Shawn, but he just didn't understand how Shawn was still doing this to himself. He had seemed so hopeful at graduation a couple months ago and Jon knew that Shawn didn't want to die. He told George to call him as soon as they knew anything.

Back at the hospital, it took half an hour before they had any news of Shawn's condition. The nurses gave Cory some paperwork to fill out about Shawn and luckily Cory knew how to answer everything. Eventually the doctor came out.

"Shawn is going to be okay," the doctor told the three. "He lost a lot of blood, but he's going to pull through. He'll only need 2 blood transfusions and we're going to keep him here for 72 hours."

Cory breathed a sigh of relief and wasn't sure what to do.

"He's been moved to room 416. You're all family?"

Eric nodded. "Uh, yeah. We're his brothers, and she's the sister-in-law."

"Alright. He's not awake yet, but you can go see him."

They thanked the doctor and made their way to the elevator. Cory opened the door to Shawn's room and hated that he had to see Shawn like this again.

They all pulled up chairs and hoped Shawn would wake up soon. Topanga called Amy and told her about Shawn's condition and the room number they were in. Amy and Alan would be there in roughly half an hour.

Their half hour passed with only the sound of the steady beep of the machines monitoring Shawn's heart and the sound of his shallow breathing. No one said anything until they heard a knock on the door. Amy and Alan entered the room and walked over to hug Cory and Eric, who were both still wearing shirts covered with Shawn's blood.

"Boys, what happened?" Alan asked, looking at Shawn's pale body on the hospital bed.

Cory sighed and looked at Eric, hoping he would know.

"I don't know. I didn't even know he was home. He suddenly walked into the living room with blood… coming out of his arm. He said to call for help… and then… fell to the ground."

"But why would he do this again? Has he been depressed lately?" Amy tried not to cry.

No one answered because honestly, no one knew.

"Yeah…I have." Shawn said his voice still groggy. He had woken up while Eric was talking and felt so much regret when he saw that they were all in his hospital room.

Everyone turned to Shawn and were instantly relieved that he was awake.

"Shawn, you need to talk to us now." Cory tried to sound gentle, but he was actually slightly angry for having to go through this again.

Shawn sighed and closed his eyes briefly, trying to think of how to explain himself.

"I didn't mean for this to happen," he said, opening his eyes and looking at his family. "I just needed to cut, but I went too deep…"

"Oh, so it's okay guys, he didn't mean it." Cory addressed the group sarcastically.

"Cory…" Topanga tried to settle her husband down. He was not helping the situation.

"No Topanga, he's allowed to be angry with me on this one." Shawn knew he fucked up and he hated having put Cory though this again.

Alan wanted to diffuse the tension that was building in the room. "Shawn… we're all just extremely worried. Why are you hurting yourself again? Why didn't you call someone before all this?"

"I don't know. I wanted to. I knew I should have called someone, but I just couldn't. Something inside told me I couldn't do that anymore…" He closed his eyes again. He was still very tired and didn't want to have to talk about this.

"Shawn, look at me," Cory demanded. "What is wrong?"

"Angela broke up with me before graduation." Shawn opened his eyes and knew he was pitiful. He quickly felt the need to explain himself. "But I didn't do this because of her. It's just I still love her so much Cory and I trusted her not to hurt me. She left me like everyone eventually does. I just don't feel alive anymore. I didn't want to kill myself. I just… needed to feel something. I thought I would be okay by now. It's been months, but I can't move on this time. Her leaving brought the nightmares back and it was hard enough when she was still my girlfriend but just living in Europe. Now she's half way across the world and still doesn't want anything to do with me."

Amy wiped the tears from her eyes and Alan sighed. Their son really was a mess.

Shawn stared at them and sighed. "I'm sorry you both drove all the way out here for this-"

"Oh baby, that's what parents do," Amy interrupted.

"Thanks for that. I know I keep putting you all through this and it's not fair to both of you. I'm just really tired right now and I have to call into work and tell them I won't be in on Monday…just, everything is going to be normal okay? Don't worry."

Shawn wanted this whole thing to be over. He hadn't wanted any of this to happen in the first place and now he had inconvenienced them once again. Cory looked at everyone and tried to think of what needed to be done. He still needed to talk to Shawn, but he also knew Shawn didn't want everyone here anymore.

"Mom, dad… Why don't you guys take Eric and Topanga home? Eric looks like hell. I'll stay here with Shawn and I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Amy nodded as she moved towards Shawn's bed and gave him a hug, trying to stay out of the way of the IV. "You call me too mister."

"I will. Thanks."

Alan hugged Shawn next and Eric just nodded, still slightly in shock. He had never understood just how horrible it had been for Cory all those years ago with Shawn's first attempt at suicide. Eric never realized just how terrifying it was to watch someone you care for dying in front of you and not knowing if you could save him.

Topanga kissed Shawn's forehead and then turned to Cory, placing her had on his back. "Are you going to be okay?"

Cory nodded and kissed her before sitting back down in his seat.

When everyone had left Shawn glanced at Cory, not knowing what to do. "You can yell at me if you want now."

Cory rolled his eyes, "Why do you always think I'm going to start yelling at you?"

"Because I know you're angry with me."

"Yeah, I am angry with you. But what good is yelling at you going to do?" Cory placed his elbows on his knees before placing his head in his hands. "Shawn. The first time I found you dying, we were 15. I sat with you every moment until you woke up and every moment after. I didn't talk to anyone until you woke up. No one knew anything because I couldn't tell them. I knew that if I opened my mouth to tell them what happened I would tell them everything…including my plan…for if you didn't wake up…"

"What… what plan?"

"If you didn't live Shawn, I wasn't going to either. I wasn't going to live without you Shawn. If you died, there was no point in me surviving. I told you that when you woke up. We're dying together Shawn."

"Cor- don't be stupid. You have a baby on the way. You have someone else to live for now."

"Yeah, you're right. But if I had to live without you, I would never be the same. That feeling you have of going through life numb, that's how I'd be. I may physically be alive without you, but I can't be me without you. It won't work."

Shawn started crying. He hated that he was still such a mess. He felt like a big ball of teenage angst but he knew he hadn't been a teenager in a long time and he wasn't allowed to have such angst anymore.

"I'm sorry Cor. I never wanted to have to put you through this again. One of the worst points in my life was waking up in the hospital back then and seeing the pain I had caused you. I'm going to get better, I will, it's just… why am I never enough for people to stick around for?"

"What am I? Chopped liver?" Cory was trying to let go of his anger. He wasn't nearly as angry as he thought he was. He concern had just formed into anger because he knew he could deal with that. It was either anger or shock, and Cory was at least functional when he wasn't in shock.

"Nah Cory, I know you and Topanga and… our… parents have always been there for me. It's just I finally had what you and Topanga had. I finally had with Angela what I was always searching for with those other girls growing up…and I lost her."

"Well you know hurting yourself isn't solving anything. If you want to feel alive or whatever, we'll go skydiving or bungee jumping or anything else that will help. But I swear to God Shawn. If you ever make me go through this again, I will kill you myself. Got it?"

Shawn laughed and agreed that Cory had the right to kill him if need be.

"Now look, you're here on a 72 hour psych hold. You can't fight it, you need one more blood transfusion and they're going to be making you talk. I'll spend the night tonight and call your boss in the morning and let him know you're sick until Tuesday. Okay?"

Shawn nodded and closed his eyes. "Thanks Cor. I'm just going to get some sleep now."

After Amy and Alan drove Topanga and Eric back to the apartment that Friday night, Amy cleaned the blood off the floor while Alan made sure Topanga and Eric both got to bed okay. He had Eric sleep on the couch in Cory and Topanga's apartment rather than going back into his own place. He made sure Eric changed out of the bloody clothes and suggested to Topanga that they call Jack and Rachel. Topanga agreed and called Shawn's brother as she leaned against her father-in-law's shoulder for support.

"Ello…" a sleepy Jack, answered after several rings.

"Jack? It's Topanga."

"Topanga? It's like 1 in the morning. What's going on?" Jack was becoming more alert, like he could feel the worry over the phone line.

"Well… Shawn is fine now, but he put himself in the hospital again a couple hours ago…"

"He what?" Jack was glad Shawn was alive, but he clearly wasn't fine.

"He had cut himself too deep and was bleeding out. He's alive, but I think that you and Rachel should come for a visit on Sunday when he gets out."

Jack was quick to agree. "Of course we will. But what happened, I thought he was doing okay."

Topanga sighed. "Angela officially broke up with him around graduation and he stupidly hadn't told anyone… I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" Topanga was getting flustered. She was very tired and just wanted things to go back to normal.

Alan wrapped his arm around her shoulder, trying to comfort her.

"He's just been having a hard time I guess and he said he didn't mean for the cuts to be so deep. You guys should come over Sunday night and we can all hang out. Okay?"

"Yeah… yeah. Get some sleep, we'll see you then."

Topanga hung up the phone and began to cry. Not only was she already prone to being emotional due to the pregnancy, but now her best friend, who was half way around the world, had hurt her other best friend so badly. Topanga decided she would call Angela the next day to see what happened. She had just talked to Angela about a week ago and she hadn't mentioned the break up either.

Alan hugged Topanga and kissed her forehead. "Come on sweetie, you need to get some sleep."

Topanga nodded and wiped her eyes before getting into bed. Alan turned off the light and left the room. He was tired, but he still had things to do too. He looked to the couch to make sure Eric was finally sleeping soundly. When everything seemed peaceful, he left Cory and Topanga's apartment and went back to Shawn and Eric's to help Amy.

Amy was on her knees, cleaning the blood off the floor. She looked like she had been crying, but she was silent now. Alan closed the door to the apartment and walked over to Amy.

"Let me do that now. Why don't you call George?"

Amy paused and stared at the rag in her hand. She did need to get away from the smell of blood mixed with bleach. "Yeah, I can do that. Thanks."

The two switched places as Alan got down on the floor and kept cleaning. Amy walked over to the phone and dialed her home number, waiting for George to answer.

"Amy?" George answered on the first ring. He had been sitting next to the phone, grading papers.

"Yeah George, it's me. Shawn's fine. It seems to have been an accident with his cutting…"

George sighed in relief and rubbed the back of his neck. "Thank goodness…"

Amy didn't say anything for a moment. She wasn't sure what else to say. "Um… We don't know when we'll get home. It's still an hour's drive and we have to clean up here…"

"Don't drive back now Amy." Now that he knew Shawn was alive, George began to worry about the rest of the family. He wondered if Shawn really knew how much his actions affected the rest of his family. "I can stay here tonight and you guys drive back when things are settled there."

He glanced over at the staircase. Morgan had walked downstairs when she heard the phone ring. Amy agreed they would drive back later and for George to make himself at home. She thanked him and he hung up the phone, motioning for Morgan to join him at the kitchen table.

She walked over and he noticed she had tears in her eyes. He stood up as she reached the table.

"He's alright Morgan."

Morgan hugged him and let her tears out. George was slightly thrown off by her hug, but he returned the hug and let her cry.

After a minute, Morgan released him and sat down at the table. "It's just, I was out on a _date_ and he was in New York, dying… What if he had actually…" Morgan didn't want to finish her sentence. "He's my brother, and he's always hurt. Why can't we make him happy?"

George took his seat and silently sighed. "Morgan… my dear… Shawn has had to deal with more difficulty in his life than he ever should have had to. This has left him with a lot more pain than any of us are ever going to be able to understand. He has been coping with this in the only way he knew how. We can only help him as best we can, but we can't _make _him happy. He is better because he's part of your family, but nothing will automatically fix him."

Morgan sat silently, taking in his words. She understood what he was saying, but she just didn't fully understand Shawn. Growing up, Shawn always seemed like the coolest guy. He was always around and always joking with her, making her feel like she was cool too. She knew he had been hurt before, but at the same time, no one ever really let her in on the bad that was happening to Shawn. If he was in the hospital, no one ever fully explained that Shawn had put himself there and why. The first time Shawn was in the hospital, her father simply told her that Shawn had been hurt but he would be okay soon. She was told to never go near Shawn's father if she ever saw him, but she never knew why. The second time, her father explained that Shawn's mother was a bad woman who hurt Shawn and put him in the hospital. Over the years, Morgan would see scars and cuts and she began to understand what Shawn was doing to himself, but she couldn't understand why he would do that. At Alan's birthday when Shawn said how much he hates himself, Morgan didn't understand that either. She still thought Shawn was the coolest guy she knew. Sure, he was still kind of a dork who hung around her stupid brothers, but she liked him. But Morgan was old enough now to know how close to death Shawn was putting himself and it scared her more than she thought.

"I guess I should go to sleep now. Thanks for being here Mr. Feeny."

"Anytime Morgan."

Morgan walked back to her room. She was jealous of her brothers. She could see why they loved Mr. Feeny so much. She wished he would have been her teacher too, he somehow always knew what to do in every situation. As she crawled into bed, she decided she would call Shawn soon and tell him just how cool he was.

The next day, Cory left the hospital when the hospital psychiatrist came in to talk with Shawn. Once Cory was gone, the doctor sat down and glanced over Shawn's file again, reminding himself of the man whose story was put on his desk that morning.

"I see this isn't your first run-in with near death."

Shawn looked over at the doctor and shrugged. "Yeah. It's been a couple times now."

"Shawn. Has anyone ever talked to you about anti-depressants?"

Over the years anti-depressants had been suggested to Shawn, but he was sure he could go through life without them. He didn't want to have to cost people more money when they were already taking him in and caring for him.

"They've mentioned it. But I don't know. I just thought it was too much, ya know?"

The doctor nodded and thought carefully, he knew that it was about time Shawn was put on something and was surprised no one had pushed it more in the past.

"I understand your thoughts about it, but I think that you would benefit exponentially from being on an anti-depressant for now. You don't have to be on them for the rest of your life, but you seem to need to work through a lot of stuff, and the pills will make your day to day life easier. It's ultimately up to you, but I urge you to try them for a while and see how they make you feel."

Shawn wasn't wild about the idea of being on a drug to make him happy, but anything would be better than having to see the looks on his family's faces if he wound up back in the hospital. He was willing to try anything to keep the pain away from them again. "You know what, let's try it."

The doctor smiled and pulled out his prescription pad. After talking more about the base feelings Shawn was having and his history of dependence on alcohol and his brief stint with pain killers, the doctor gave him a prescription for Zoloft and worked out a plan to keep Shawn safe.

Amy and Alan left after lunch that day. They stuck around to make sure Cory was going to be okay too and Amy made lunch for everyone. After they had gone, Topanga told Cory she was going to call Angela.

"Why would you call her? She broke his heart after he trusted her…"

Topanga knew Cory would react badly, but Angela was still her best friend. "I'm not going to talk to her about Shawn being in the hospital. It's just…she didn't mention the break-up either. Why did our best friends not tell us such a big thing?"

Cory shrugged. "Do what you need to Topanga. I don't need to talk to her ever again."

Topanga understood his reaction. He would always side with Shawn and even though Topanga was also frustrated with Angela for breaking Shawn's heart, she needed to call her friend.

After the fifth ring, Angela answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Angela? It's Topanga!"

"Ahh! Topanga sweetie! How are you? How's the baby?"

Topanga smiled. "I've been better, but the baby is great. How are you Ms. World Traveler?"

"I'm alright. I just got back from Thailand. I was doing a piece for National Geographic."

"That sounds amazing. I can't imagine how wonderful that would have been."

"Oh it was beautiful. And the men there weren't bad either." Angela laughed effortlessly.

"Angela…What about Shawn? I guess you guys broke up then?"

Angela realized she just let it slip that she was looking at other men. "Um…yeah. I… Sorry I didn't tell you hon. I just…I didn't want to talk about it."

Topanga stayed quiet for a minute. She really debated telling Angela what happened last night.

"I just don't know when I'm going back to the states Topanga and I didn't want to have to hurt him by keeping him waiting for me."

"He would have waited for you until the end of time Angela." Topanga wasn't reacting to the conversation the way she thought she would. She was only getting more frustrated with Angela. She didn't understand how much she really hurt Shawn and Topanga hated seeing Shawn bleeding out on his living room floor because another person he trusted had hurt him.

Angela sighed. "I'm sorry Topanga. I love him, I do. But I can't do this. I will talk to you later okay? I need to go."

Topanga said a quick goodbye and hung up the phone. She sat down on her bed and began to cry. She was so angry and sad and didn't know what to do anymore. She had told Shawn to trust Angela. She had told him to open his heart to her and it backfired. Topanga just wanted Shawn to be okay. She just wanted everything to be fine. She knew how much pain Shawn was in. She thought back to his journal that he let her read and she cried harder. She was the only one who had seen those thoughts and poems and she hated that Shawn was back in the dark places he described. She hadn't told him, but the things she read had scared her, especially when there were small drops of blood on a page and she knew he must have been cutting when he wrote some of the poems. It took her a while to read it because she just couldn't bring herself to do it sometimes. She didn't want to after the first couple pages. She wished he never gave it to her, but she knew he needed someone to read it and after so many people had let him down in life, she wasn't going to be one of them.

She lay down on the bed and kept crying softly. She didn't even notice when Cory had walked in until he was laying down next to her.

"Topanga…it's going to be alright."

Cory's anger for Angela took a back seat to his concern for his wife. He looked at her face and wiped the tears from her cheeks before taking her into his arms. He didn't say anything else as he lay there, silently praying that everything would soon be okay.

Shawn left the hospital the next morning with his new drugs and a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. He also had a list of trusted therapists in the area that Shawn was told to look through and find one that he might want to start seeing. He wasn't sure he wanted to see a therapist again. But he figured he would keep the list and think about it.

Cory picked him up outside the hospital and drove back to the apartments.

"So how many people did you have to talk to this time?" Cory asked, trying to figure out what Shawn was going through.

"Just one," Shawn laughed softly. "They make a bigger fuss when you're a kid." He was actually really glad that he wasn't bombarded with so many people forcing him to talk. "But I finally agreed to be on anti-depressants…" He wasn't sure what everyone would think about that, but he was hoping no one would care.

Cory smiled sincerely. "That's great Shawn. I hope they help."

When they arrived back at the apartment, Shawn hugged Topanga and Eric.

"I'm really sorry guys. I'm going to be trying harder here, alright?"

Everyone smiled and sat down at the table. Eric had ordered Chinese food for lunch and no one had anything to do today. Jack and Rachel would be coming over that evening to hang out. Topanga mentioned it to Shawn and hoped that he would be okay with it. When he smiled at the news, everyone was happy that they would all get to hang out like old times.

Jack and Rachel arrived around 5 that night. They were all going to hang out and have a movie marathon. Pizza, popcorn, and friends are what Shawn really needed.

Monday afternoon, Shawn was sitting in the apartment alone. He had to go back to work tomorrow, and he knew he would need to start being more active in his life. He would start hanging out with his co-workers more and actually make an effort to be happy. He owed that much to his friends and family. He had just finished eating a late lunch when the phone rang. He answered the phone and sat down on the couch. "Shawn here."

"Hey Shawn! It's Morgan."

"Oh, hey Morgan, Eric's not here or anything. What's up?"

"I wanted to talk to you actually."

Shawn should have known. Mom and Dad must have told her about what happened and told her to call him or something. He was expecting Jon to call any hour now too. "That's cool. What ya wanna talk about?"

"I don't know. I guess, I well… I want to come visit you guys." Morgan was flustered. She had made a snap decision not to have this conversation on the phone.

"Oh, yeah. Of course you can come up. You can stay with Eric and I, no problem."

"Great. I just got my license a couple months ago and I want to drive there myself."

"Hey, I get it. Just make sure it's cool with the parents." Shawn laughed. He could tell Amy and Alan might not like the idea of her driving around New York all alone.

"Cool. So this weekend right?" Morgan was actually kind of excited about it now that the idea was out there.

"Yeah, we'll see you Friday night. Call if anything changes."

Shawn hung up the phone and marked the calendar with a note of Morgan's visit.  
He figured he would take a nap and then start cleaning the apartment. He might not have time during the rest of the week.

That evening, after cleaning around the apartment, Jon did call. Shawn had contemplated calling first, but he didn't know when Jon would be home from work. They talked for a while and Shawn assured Jon that things were going to be getting better. He explained the break-up and the depression. He mentioned he finally accepted the anti-depressants. Jon laughed happily at that. He had tried to talk Shawn into taking the pills for years. He was just happy that Shawn sounded okay.

The rest of the week was pretty normal. Shawn went to work and no one was any wiser to how close Shawn had been to death. He talked to his co-workers a bit more, but he still didn't have it completely in him to socialize. The doctor said it would take around two weeks for Shawn to start feeling the effects of the anti-depressants and to keep things simple.

That weekend, Morgan showed up just in time for a 6 o'clock dinner. Everyone was happy to see her. She was the younger sister and they had always kind of been separated from her because of the age difference. So they decided to really show her around New York and get to know her as a teenager instead of a kid. It wasn't until Saturday that she finally got to talk to Shawn alone.

Topanga had to go work at the law firm and Eric had to go into work because he was called to be on the news that night as the weatherman. Cory had an interview for a full time teaching position, so Shawn took Morgan to Central Park. It was a beautiful day in late September and Morgan had never been to Central Park before.

After they had been walking for a while in comfortable silence, Morgan started talking.

"Remember when you first started living with us?"

Shawn was caught slightly off guard, but was still relaxed. "Yeah. Man… that was a long time ago."

"Yeah… I just remember mom and dad were frustrated cause you told me it was okay to eat ice cream for breakfast." Morgan laughed softly. "I kept doing all the stuff you were doing, like drinking things out of cartons and watching too much TV."

"Guess we broke all the rules, huh?" Shawn smirked.

Morgan was silent again. She wasn't sure how to say what she wanted. Shawn's problems had always been kept quiet and she was always taken out of the room or people stopped talking about it when she entered. "Shawn… you've always been the cooler brother."

Shawn looked at Morgan. "Uh, thanks kid. I do what I can." He led her to a bench next to the path and sat down. "Morgan, what's up with you?"

She paused for a minute, following his lead and sitting down next to him. She hadn't expected that he would be so intuitive. "I'm not a kid anymore Shawn."

"Yeah, I hear that keeps happening to people."

Morgan smiled. Shawn was so good at relieving tension in situations. "I mean, this is probably the last thing you want to talk about, but last weekend… I guess I finally realized what's been happening all these years."

Shawn instantly felt horrible. He didn't let it show, but his mind was filled with the regret he felt at hurting his family, especially little Morgan, he had always tried not to show how screwed up he was.

"I just, no one ever told me what was ever going on with you over the years. And I guess I started figuring it out a little bit, but then…" Morgan felt a couple tears fall from her eyes. "I was really scared Shawn. You're my brother, and I don't want to lose you. You've always been so cool and I never understood why you would hate yourself so much. I don't know why you can't see how great you are."

Shawn wrapped his arm around Morgan and sighed. He had never given any thought to what was going on with Morgan over the years. He was so wrapped up in his own life that he didn't realize that everything he did had been affecting every single person he interacted with. He never talked to Morgan about anything bad because she was just a kid. But she was right. She wasn't a kid anymore and she knew what Shawn could do to himself.

"I am so sorry Morgan. I never want to scare you like that." He was unsure of what to say. He always loved that Morgan acted like his little sister even before the adoption.

"You were a kid the first time… I never wanted you to know what was happening… I don't know… it's like you said, you were doing all the things I was doing, and I didn't want you to think that it was cool to hurt yourself too."

Morgan looked up at him. "If you knew you shouldn't do it, why'd you keep going? And why do it now Shawn? I'm sorry… I guess I just don't really understand is all."

Shawn sighed, "I know. It's fine. I don't mind… I'm kind of glad you want to talk to me about it instead of hating me for hurting everyone." He paused and she let him think.

"I know you know my parents hurt me for so long. It made me broken and scared. I tried so hard to be cool so that no one would know what was really happening to me at home. I could never control what was happening around me Morgan. I mean, I had to live with them, then they left me and I lived with you, then I had to live with Mr. Turner. I was always just moved around from family to family and I couldn't do anything about it. But hurting myself, I could control that."

He hoped he was explaining things appropriately to her. He wanted her to understand that he wasn't crazy. "And I was always scared. I would get so scared sometimes that I felt I couldn't breathe. The pain I would cause for myself would bring me back. I would calm down and be okay for a while."

Morgan wiped her tears from her face and was glad that they were in a quiet secluded part of the park.

"But why are you still doing it?"

"Because sometimes now, it helps me feel alive."

Morgan raised one eyebrow questioningly. "So almost killing yourself makes you feel alive?"

Shawn laughed to himself. "It does sound dumb when you put it that way." He paused, trying to find the way to explain it.

"I just go around sometimes feeling like a ghost. Like, I'm sad all the time but no one can see it and I can't tell them about it. It's like I'm not really part of my own life. Hurting myself and feeling the pain shows me that I really am alive."

Morgan stared at the grass in front of them and took in everything he told her. She didn't like it, but things finally started to make sense to her.

"I get it I guess. It still scares me… but… it makes more sense now."

Shawn patted her head slowly and was relieved she was so patient and caring.

"Just, try not to do it okay? If you need to know if you're alive, just call and ask. I'll let you know if you're dead, alright?"

Shawn laughed and stood up. "Sounds like a plan."

He ruffled her hair as she got up from the bench too.

"Let's get back. Topanga and Cory should be home in time for dinner."


	9. Chapter 9

February was nine months after the move, five months after Shawn was released from the hospital, and the month that Cory and Topanga's little boy was born. Elliott Matthews was a sweet and beautiful, healthy baby and Shawn was the godfather. Shawn became swept up in the new baby madness that took place. People were constantly coming to visit and everyone was happy.

Shawn had been taking his anti-depressants for five months now and he was actually doing fairly well. He made friends with a couple of colleagues and had been writing some front page news every once in a while. On his off time, he began to write a book. He didn't tell anyone about it, but he finally decided he wanted to write and publish a semi-autobiographical book. He was never one for sharing his life and his feelings, but he felt that if he created a character and placed parts of his life in someone else, it would be an easier way to share. The anti-depressants cleared his head and kept him from feeling the need to hurt himself. The only downside is that his nightmares became more vivid. His doctor said that was a side effect of the medication and he really should rethink his decision to not have a therapist. Shawn promised to think about it again and eventually he did find a female therapist that he was comfortable talking to once a week.

Everyone was relieved to see Shawn make such progress, and when Elliot was born, everything was finally okay. Eric, Shawn, Cory, and Topanga replaced their evenings of movie watching with evenings of playing with Elliot and watching him grow every day. Life was moving forward.

That summer, Eric moved out of the apartment. He was moving in with his girlfriend that he had started dating a month after Shawn's incident. She was a caterer at the news station where Eric was now a full time weatherman. Shawn lived alone, but his best friends were still right down the hall. He began to date again, nothing serious, but there wasn't a strict 2 week rule like there used to be. The women he dated were beautiful and nice, but they were busy New York women and Shawn was very different from them. Some were one night stands, others he'd date for a month or so. He couldn't seem to find someone who made him feel the way Angela had. Cory and Topanga felt that it was good he was moving on, but all the dating actually made Shawn more depressed.

He still talked to his therapist every week, but when Shawn lost his job in September, he couldn't afford to see her anymore. Almost everyone at the paper was laid off. All the newspapers around the country were taking a huge hit since more people were using the internet to get their news. His paper was going to cease publication and publish strictly online to see if they could save the company. Shawn and over half the writers were let go. Everyone thought Shawn took the layoff relatively well. He sent out his portfolio and resume to other papers and magazines in New York, but it was tough since everyone else in the business was in the same boat.

Everyone helped Shawn out as best they could as he collected unemployment and kept writing at home. He wasn't panicking about the situation until his first unemployment check came in the mail and it brought back the memories of his father's unemployment. All Shawn had ever wanted to do was work harder than his father. He wanted to show that he would get himself out of that trailer park and actually work for his money, not just accept money from government or charity. He stared at the check on his kitchen table and felt the familiar voice in his mind creep back to him, telling him things would be okay if he just let some blood flow out of his skin. He got up from the table and went to his computer. He began to write everything that was in his head. He described the thoughts in his head and the feeling of his blood rushing inside his fingers. He noticed he was starting to feel better. The more he typed about what was happening to him, the less it was inside himself. He sighed and closed his eyes. After sitting for a moment, listening to the silence of his apartment, he went to bed. It was only noon, but he had nothing else to do and he didn't feel safe being awake at the moment.

Cory could sense that Shawn was struggling and he talked to Shawn about a plan.

"Hey Shawn, I start teaching full time at a new school next week and we need to find some daycare for Elliott. I hate to ask, but would you be able to watch him for a while until we find something more permanent?"

Shawn didn't see that Cory was trying to help Shawn as much as they really did need daycare. Shawn was happy to help out and he was certainly happy to spend more time with Elliott.

"Of course man. I haven't found a job yet, so he can chill with me all day."

Cory smiled. They worked it out that Cory and Topanga would pay Shawn's rent next month and Shawn would watch Elliott while they were at work.

This arrangement kept Shawn busy and happy. He knew he was being helped out with the rent, but now he felt he was actually doing something in exchange for the help. He spent his days with Elliott, taking him for walks in the park, playing with him, and reading to him. He spent his nights writing his book or writing poetry.

It wasn't until January that he found another job. He had given up trying to find another writing job and had instead gone back to his love of photography. He found a job as the photographer's assistant at a fashion magazine. It wasn't what Shawn wanted, but it was better than unemployment.

He was sad to give up his days with Elliott, but he was glad to be doing some kind of work again, and he hadn't been able to get involved in photography in a while, he was only using it in his personal life, taking pictures of Elliot for the scrapbook Topanga was keeping. Things were kind of looking up again until the end of March when the newness of his job wore off and he realized how unfulfilled he really felt there. He relapsed and cut his arm several times. He hated that he hadn't been able to stop himself. It had been over a year since he had cut, but that was part of the problem. Many of his scars had started to fade and the longer he went without cutting, the more his mind told him he needed it again. He didn't go too deep and he didn't tell anyone. He felt a sense of relief and regret as he cleaned his arm up and decided to call Jon and asked if he would bring Mel and Thomas out for their spring break. He wanted them to hang out and see his part of New York. Jon thought it was a wonderful idea and said they would be out in 2 weeks. Shawn smiled to himself and knew he would be alright as long as they were coming to visit.

After a week of excitement with the Turner's, Shawn was exhausted. Thomas was so energetic and he loved playing with Elliott. Shawn was pleased that Tom remembered Shawn and still loved him. He showed them all around New York and even though Mel and Jon had been to New York years ago, things had changed and they were glad to have Shawn showing them around. Shawn even told Jon about the book Shawn had been writing. He was getting close to finishing it and he figured he would need to start telling people about it and getting their thoughts and input. He let Jon read what he had already written and Jon loved it. He sat down with Shawn near the end of the week and talked with him about it from an English teacher's perspective. He pointed out some basic things that might confuse the reader and places that Shawn should elaborate on more, but overall, Jon was immensely impressed.

"Shawn… I mean, I was your English teacher man. Reading your stuff in the 7th grade… I never would have imagined that you had this kind of writing in you. I could have given you so many As."

Shawn laughed. "To be fair, I think I had a lot going on back then that kept me from focusing on 7th grade English."

Jon smiled. He was warmed that Shawn had felt like sharing his story with him. It really was good. He told Shawn to send him anything he needed read and Jon would be happy to give any feedback.

The week ended well and Shawn was glad he had asked them to come.

The next week, Shawn asked Topanga to read his unfinished book. He had gotten some direction from Jon about the beginning, but the ending still needed work. The first draft was quite rough, but Topanga had read his poems years ago and he trusted her to tell him about his writing now.

Cory was at his school doing parent teacher conferences and Topanga was home with Elliott.

Shawn knocked and walked in when Topanga opened the door with Elliott in her arms. Both of them smiled as she closed the door behind Shawn. "Uncle Shawn is here!" She said to Elliott before placing him on the couch next Shawn.

"Hey Shawn, I was just making dinner, have you eaten?"

Shawn shook his head. "No, food would be great actually." He picked up Elliott and played peek-a-boo while Topanga got dinner ready.

As they ate, Shawn talked about the reason for his visit.

"So I was hoping you could help me out Topanga."

Topanga smiled. "What's going on?"

"Well, I've been writing a book for a while now-"

"That's awesome Shawn! Tell me everything!" Topanga's eyes were bright and she was genuinely excited. She had read all the articles Shawn had ever written in the paper and she really did love the way he wrote.

"It's kind of about my life… but it's not about me. I sort of gave parts of my life to another character."

"That sounds like it's going to be really good."

"Well, that's just it. I need some input and I was hoping you would read the draft that I have and let me know what you think. I've been having some trouble with the ending and I'm not quite sure of the direction I want to go with it."

"Of course, I would love to read it."

Shawn took a USB flash drive out of his pocket and placed it on the table next to her.

"It's all on here. Just don't tell Cory yet, alright?"

"No problem Shawn." She wasn't quite sure why Cory couldn't know, but she respected Shawn's wishes.

After cleaning up from dinner, they spent the night playing with Elliott until his bed time. Shawn hugged Topanga and said goodnight. He really hoped she would like his story.

After another week, Shawn went back over to see Topanga. He had hung out with Cory several times throughout the week, but he didn't ever mention his book. Cory didn't find out about it until Shawn walked over and got the flash drive from Topanga. Cory was home and he asked about the flash drive.

"It's nothing Cor, just some stuff I needed Topanga to look over."

"Having legal trouble Shawn?" Cory laughed. "My wonderful lawyer wife does need to be paid for her legal services."

Shawn laughed and shook his head. "Nah, just some writings I did."

Cory seemed to look hurt and confused but tried to play it off. "Oh, that's cool. So was he any good?"

Topanga smiled. "Actually it was really good, but Cory, Elliot needs his bath, can you get that started?"

Cory rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. I'm only the guy's best friend, but I don't need to know anything." He got off the couch and took Elliott into the bathroom for a bath.

"Shawn, it was one of the best things I've ever read."

Shawn was slightly shocked, but pleased. "Really? What about the ending? Because I don't know how to have it all make sense."

Topanga smiled and gave some suggestions of how she understood it as the reader. She knew what the character was doing, but she didn't quite understand the motivations behind his final actions. Shawn listened and talked with her more about the characters and the timelines that would lead up to certain endings. Cory walked out of the bathroom with his shirt soaking wet, but a clean baby in his arms.

"Well, thanks Topanga. I'll see you guys later okay? Cor, I think the point was for you to bathe the baby, not yourself." Shawn smirked.

Cory smiled. "Ha, ha. The baby is clean. He just happened to help me out with my own hygiene in the process. Now get outta here."

Shawn went back to his apartment and opened up the file on his computer that had the last chapter of his book. He still hadn't titled it and he still needed to fix the ending. He tried a thousand different things and was up until about 3 in the morning before he became so frustrated. He was so tired and he was going to cry. His day job was stressing him out during the week and now he couldn't get his book to be perfect. He took off his shirt and changed into sweat pants. He climbed into bed and found himself running his hand over some of his scars. He knew he had pushed himself too far today. He needed to stop forcing himself past his emotional limit. He took his pocket knife from his night stand and cut into his arm; just a couple quick and shallow cuts to help him sleep. He felt instant relief as the tension left his body. He dropped the knife onto the floor and fell asleep quickly, dreaming up the ending to his book.

He woke up 12 hours later feeling amazingly better. He looked at his arm and sighed. He didn't hate himself for relapsing. His therapist had told him he had to stop hating himself for everything that went wrong in life. Relapses were bound to happen over the course of his life and it didn't mean that it would ruin everything else.

He got out of bed and took the sheets from the bed. He had a Saturday night date in a couple hours and he figured they'd end up back here that evening. After changing the sheets, he climbed into the shower and cleaned himself up. He didn't even sit down at his computer that night. He didn't think about his book and he kept his mind on cleaning the apartment and making sure he was ready for his date.

Sunday morning came and he had to get his date out of his bed. She was nice, but she was too curious about his life. He mentally rolled his eyes at himself. _Dates are supposed to be interested in your life, idiot. _He promised to call and made sure to smile as he led her out the door. He then put her number in the trash can and went to take a shower. He was half way through washing his hair when the ending of his book built up in his mind. He didn't understand how it began, but the connections were being made and everything made sense. He quickly finished his shower and put a towel around his waist. He didn't even bother getting dressed before he sat down and opened the last chapter.

He wrote for hours. Not even noticing that he had skipped lunch and was still naked. He was done after nearly 6 hours of writing. To him, it was perfect. He smiled and closed his eyes. There were probably still some errors in there somewhere, and the editing process was probably going to be brutal, but at least it was all there now. He saved his work and made 3 back up files on different disks before he emailed it all to Jon and said it was done. He asked for editing, opinions, general feedback; anything Jon could think of. He heard a knock at the door and looked at the clock. It was 6 PM and Shawn had completely lost track of time.

"It's open!" He shouted to the door. He was expecting Jack and Eric to come over for dinner. They had made a tradition of going out to dinner every other Sunday night and Shawn wasn't ready.

"Dude… did we interrupt something?" Jack stared at Shawn who was sitting at his computer in a towel. Shawn rolled his eyes and chuckled.

"As if. I just got out of the shower and had to finish some work."

Eric laughed. "Right. Well put some clothes on. We don't need to go out with you looking like that."

Shawn went to his bedroom and quickly changed. He was glad that he had been able to keep his cut hidden while it was out in the open for Jack and Eric to see.

Over dinner, Shawn finally told them about his book.

"So am I in it?" Eric asked, winking.

"That's not how it works buddy."

Jack swallowed a piece of steak and looked at Shawn. "Yeah, but if it's about your life, aren't we all in it?"

"It's not about me. The character represents me, yeah, but he's also a whole different guy with a different life. He shares parts of my life, but there are different people involved. Just, I'll let you guys read it if you want, okay?"

Eric and Jack agreed. They finished their dinner and had fun, like they always did. Jack was doing really well. He was still living with Rachel, but he had started dating a woman who ran a homeless shelter in Brooklyn. He was working as an engineer and was really happy. Eric was doing the weather every night and was thinking of proposing to his girlfriend.

At the end of the night, Shawn went home and gave the guys a copy of his book before he grabbed the flash drive with his book on it and knocked on Cory and Topanga's door.

Cory answered the door. He and Topanga were watching a movie but were going to go to bed as soon as it was over. "Shawn, what's up? Weren't you out with Eric and Jack."

Shawn smiled. "Yeah, they're great. Anyway, I gotta give something to you guys."

Cory moved aside and let Shawn enter the apartment.

Shawn looked to Topanga. "I finished it."

Cory was confused. He knew something had been happening lately between Shawn and Topanga, but he thought it was better not to question it.

"Do I ever get to know what's going on?" Cory asked as he sat back down next to his wife.

Topanga ignored him as she smiled at Shawn. "Really? That's amazing! I have to read it. Do I get to read it?"

Shawn took out the flash drive and handed it to her. "Of course. I need to know everything you think about it."

Cory was getting quite frustrated now. "Seriously? Am I still here or what?"

"Sorry Cor," Shawn smiled and turned to Cory. "I've been writing a book and I finally finished it. You can read it now too. I need to know what you think."

Cory raised his eyebrows. "Wait, so you never told me about this? You let her read it before me?"

"Yeah, but I need you to read it now too-"

"How many other people got to see this before your best friend did?"

"Just her and Jon, I mean, I told Jack and Eric about it tonight, but I just gave it to them too."

Cory didn't know what to say. He was hurt and didn't understand why Shawn wouldn't trust him with this. "Forget it Shawn, I don't care. You don't need my opinion."

Shawn didn't know why Cory was being so weird about this. "No, I really want you to read it. I need you to like it Cory-"

"Then why am I the last to know about it?" Cory blurted out.

Shawn was silent. He didn't think he was hurting Cory. "I just… I wanted it to be perfect before you read it…"

Cory's anger dissipated as he saw just how much Shawn wanted his approval. "Oh…"

"I'm sorry Cor-"

"No, no, it's my fault. I just felt left out. I mean married people are supposed to share everything with each other. And you both left me out of this."

Both Shawn and Topanga looked surprised and confused by his statement.

"Uh Cor, we're not married." Shawn said looking from Topanga to Cory

"Come on, we kind of always have been."

Shawn smirked and laughed to himself. "Yeah… yeah, we have."

Topanga rolled her eyes. "Uh, I married a polygamist. Well when you're done with this wife, I'll be in bed." She got up from the couch and turned off the TV. "I'm really happy for you Shawn. I'll read it this week."

Shawn said good night and then hung out with Cory for a while more. They talked about the book but Shawn tried not to give anything away. It was very important that Cory read everything for himself. Cory was a huge part of the book and essentially, the book was about their friendship. But Shawn didn't tell him any of this. He would tell him after he read it. He needed Cory to like his writing. He said goodnight and left just before 11:30. Cory had school the next day and Shawn had work too. He hoped that if he could ever get the book published, he could stop working at the magazine. But that was a long shot, and Shawn didn't want to get his hopes up.

Shawn hadn't expected to hear anything from anyone until at least the end of the week. But Tuesday, Jon called him, raving about how much better the ending was than the first time.

"I get it. I don't know how you thought that up, but it's perfect and heart breaking and hopeful, all at the same time."

Wednesday he was doing dishes after dinner when he heard a knock at the door. As soon as he opened the door, Jack was standing there, staring at him.

"Um…hi? You can come in if you want."

Jack didn't move. He just kind of stood there, taking in the presence of his brother.

Finally he found his words. "It's brilliant."

Shawn left the door open and walked back to the kitchen, hoping Jack would follow.

Jack did indeed follow. He closed the door after entering the apartment and didn't stop talking. "I couldn't stop reading it dude. I started reading it last night and was up until 4 this morning until I finished. I almost fell asleep at today, but it was worth it."

"Thanks Jack-" Shawn started to talk but Jack cut him off.

"I mean, I've read all your articles and stuff, but I didn't know you had this kind of work in you. The way you made me care about everyone and everything involved, you're a genius Shawn."

Shawn and Jack talked for a while more and Jack told him if Shawn didn't find a publisher, Jack would take his step-father's money and publish it for Shawn himself. That made Shawn laugh, but in the end, he knew he would send the manuscript to as many publishers as he could find. He had to reread it a couple times still and do some final edits before it was completely presentable.

Thursday, he got an email from Eric, and was pleased that Eric loved the story as well. His only complaint was it made him _too _sad.

Friday, Topanga came over with Elliott in her arms and smiled, Shawn knew she had read it too.

"I knew you would make it perfect Shawn." They spent about an hour talking over her thoughts on the book before Elliott started getting fussy and she had to take him home.

Shawn was ecstatic that everyone loved his book, but he was lacking the most important opinion of all. He needed to know what Cory thought, but he didn't want to rush him.

He waited, and didn't hear anything from Cory until Monday night. Cory came over and handed the file over to Shawn. He sat on the couch and was too quiet for a while. Shawn sat in the chair across from the couch and hoped Cory would talk soon.

Finally, Cory spoke softly. "Is it us?" He asked, looking up at Shawn.

Shawn nodded and hoped Cory would be okay with that fact.

Cory was silent again, processing the information. After a moment, he began to speak as if he'd rehearsed. "I finished reading it last week."

Shawn looked confused and waited for Cory to continue.

"Yeah, when you gave it to us on Sunday, I stayed up and read it. I called in sick on Monday and slept all day after finishing it."

"But-" Shawn had been anxiously waiting to hear from Cory all week, thinking he hadn't finished it yet.

"I had to process it Shawn. I kept thinking about it, over and over again. I reread it 3 more times. I had to be sure of what happened and what parts were you and what parts were me and what you were trying to say with all of this…"

"I…but… is it okay? I want you to like it."

Cory didn't know what to say next. "It's magnificent Shawn. But… it's so intense. I need you to tell me you're okay. I mean, I die at the end…"

Shawn looked at Cory. He knew he had to explain it properly. "I'm alright Cor. I mean, it helped me to write this."

"I guess I just, I'm not planning on dying Shawn."

Shawn laughed. "I know that Cory. The whole book, the main character, who represents me, is struggling. He goes through his life not understanding how much his actions are affecting other people. It's a parallel to my own life in that aspect. He cuts himself, tries to kill himself, continues with his self-destruction and doesn't let anyone else in… He is so wrapped up in his own problems that he doesn't notice when his best friend, you, feels so helpless that it drives him to kill himself."

Cory contemplated the explanation laid out for him. "How did you even think of an ending that sad?"

Shawn didn't really want to tell him, but he knew he had to tell Cory everything. "Remember when you told me about the plan you had if I had died?"

"Oh…"

"Yeah. I remembered that the other day and I knew that was the ending of the book. It's just you have always been the one to help me through. You are the only thing that has always been constant in my life and I took that for granted over the years. I put everyone through so much, but you… I made you feel my pain and more. The ending in the book is the ending that I have feared for so long. I know I've scared you and I've made things stressful but I didn't know how to stop. I just figured you could handle it and you would be fine if I were gone… But then you told me… and I never imagined a world where we were both gone. So I wrote out the worst ending my life could ever have, and that would be living without you, knowing it was my fault that you were gone and I wasn't."

Cory covered his eyes with his hand. He had tears in his eyes, but didn't want to cry. Between the two of them over the years, they had cried enough tears to fill the ocean. "What about the name? It's your last name in the book, aren't people going to find it weird?"

Shawn smiled. "I'm using the perfect pen name."

Cory gathered his thoughts and spoke when he knew he wasn't going to cry. "Well, it is my favorite book of all time and I'm glad I could help you write it."

"Are you kidding? If you weren't around, it wouldn't have been written at all." Shawn smiled and got up from the chair. Cory stood up as well and they hugged.

"Just get it published, okay? It needs to be read."

Shawn patted Cory on the back and nodded. "I'm going to try."

Cory went home and Shawn went to bed. He was drained, but calmed now that he knew Cory understood everything. Even if every publisher he went to rejected it, Cory accepted it, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

_**BONUS: Excerpts from Shawn's book.**_

_**(end of)Chapter 15**_

Hunter closed his eyes. He never asked to be alive and even breathing exhausted him nowadays. He knew he wasn't needed in the world anymore. His parents told him enough times and if Hunter didn't understand his worthlessness by now, he deserved the nightly beatings.

He opened his eyes and he flipped open his pocket knife and laughed as he saw his father's initials on the handle. He thought it fitting that his father's name would be on his own son's death. He pressed the sharp edge of the knife into his forearm and cut from his wrist to the bend in his elbow. As the blood began to rush out of the open wound like a hurricane, Hunter began to feel calm. He made a parallel cut on the same arm, before taking the knife in his other hand and making identical cuts on his other arm. They didn't seem to be as deep, given the fact that the blood was pooling into his fist making the knife hard to hold. He figured it would get the job done though. He closed his eyes again waited for his pain to end. He was only sorry that Jacob would be left without a best friend. He knew Jacob would find someone better though. Hunter was never the kind of friend Jacob deserved.

**Chapter 16**

The funeral was on a Thursday. No one knew, but Hunter had always liked Thursdays. That was usually the day his father would be pass out drunk too early to beat Hunter unconscious. The other days of the week were the ones he hated most. But now, he had no opinion of Thursdays. He had no opinion about any day of the week anymore. He figured if he had to hate a certain day, it would be March 15th, the day Jacob died instead of Hunter.

Hunter woke up in the hospital on the night of Monday, March 15th completely alone. He hadn't expected to wake up at all, but to see that no one was there scared him. Jacob was always sitting next to the hospital bed when Hunter would wake up, whether it was because Hunter had put himself there with a failed suicide attempt or because one of his parents had beat him into a coma, Jacob was always the first person Hunter would wake up to.

He found out Jacob was dead when he called for the nurse and she walked in with Jacob's father behind her. He was in tears, and that was something Hunter had never seen before. The man was silent as the nurse checked Hunter's vitals and explained he would need 2 more blood transfusions. He had been found by the neighbor who was supposed to check in on Hunter every so often at the request of Jacob's parents. He had already been given one blood transfusion while he was unconscious over the past 9 hours. Hunter nodded and waited for her to leave.

"Where's Jacob?" He asked once the nurse had left.

Mr. Garrett didn't answer. He handed Hunter a folded piece of paper and sat down in the chair the nurse had been in.

Hunter was confused, but he unfolded the paper and began to read.

_Dear Hunter, I'm sorry I couldn't help you. If you're reading this, I'm gone and you're going to be okay. You may not believe me, but you need to live for me. I took your place with death and I know it's for the best. I've never been able to help you and keep you from all the pain in your life. I hated sitting next to your hospital bed, not knowing if this would be the time that you didn't wake up. I prayed to a god I don't believe in, telling him that as long as you were okay, I would do anything. And you always woke up, but you were never okay. I can't keep doing that. You don't deserve all the pain you've been put through and I can't see the good in the world anymore. Everything was so much easier when we were kids, only worrying about the cooties girls had or the daily lunch menu at school. But we grew up too fast and your problems grew to outweigh mine. So I didn't mention my depression. I had to keep you alive, even if that meant that I would want to die. So don't hate me Hunter, because I love you more than I love myself, and you have to keep going. I've lost the woman of my dreams and I never know if I'm going to lose you too. So I'm getting out before I have the chance to lose you. I know it's selfish, but I know you'll be better off, because I've never been good enough to help you the way you need. And don't you dare follow me. If you loved me at all, you'll live your life and move on. Get the girl you always deserved and have kids, be a better father than the man you knew and find a friend that can be all that I never was._

_Love always,_

_Jacob_

_P.S. If they try to blame you, screw them, because you're the one that kept me alive this long._

Hunter didn't believe what he had read.

"Right, this isn't funny. Just go get him okay?"

Mr. Garrett just looked up at Hunter sorrowfully and didn't get out of the chair.

"You can't tell me this is real. Jacob's fine. He's always fine. I'm the fuck-up, I'm the one that's supposed to die, not him!"

Mr. Garrett's tears continued to fall. He stood up and walked towards the door. He paused and looked at Hunter. "He killed himself about an hour before they found you- jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge… I'm sorry Hunter." Mr. Garrett left the room and didn't look back. He didn't blame Hunter for Jacob's death, but seeing Hunter only made the pain of losing his only son so much harder.

Hunter stared blankly at the wall. This couldn't be real. He probably succeeded in his suicide and this was hell. It was the only logical explanation.

It was hell, but Hunter was still alive. He went to the funeral that Thursday but never spoke to the Garretts again. He graduated high school in May and flew out to California shortly thereafter. He hated Jacob for a while, he hated his parents, but mostly he hated himself. He didn't care if Jacob said it wasn't his fault, Hunter would blame himself for the rest of his life and that would never change. Hunter would live, just as Jacob asked, but he never returned to New York, and he never found a better friend than Jacob had been. He never thought about his past again. He would never make the mistake of wrapping himself in his own problems and overlooking a friend's pain. Not again.

* * *

**I hope it's not to horrible. I think Shawn would have written a better book than me, but you get the gist of what he was writing and what everyone was talking about.**


	10. Chapter 10

Shawn woke up in his bed and found that some random girl was still sleeping next to him. He sighed and got up to get dressed. It was Saturday and Topanga and Cory were going to be coming over later that afternoon. Elliot was 18 months old now and they had made a routine that Shawn would take care of Elliot on Saturday afternoons so that Cory and Topanga could have some time to themselves.

He looked at the woman on his bed and decided to wake her up. He was never rude to the girls he slept with, but he never wanted anything more from them than a good night. The cute, perky blonde got dressed and kissed Shawn on the cheek, leaving her number on the nightstand.

Shawn walked her out the door and then went back to his room. He tossed the slip of paper into the garbage where he had put all the other numbers he'd been given over the years.

He scratched at his healing cuts and went to take a shower. He'd always hated the itching the most. As his cuts healed they were always painfully itchy and it was, in Shawn's opinion, the worst part about cutting himself.

As the heat of the water quelled the itching, Shawn heard a loud knocking at the front door. He turned off the shower and put his robe on. Cory and Topanga were early and Shawn didn't want them to see that he was still cutting himself. He had been having trouble finding a publisher for his book and he felt like maybe he got his hopes up too much. The cutting kept him calm and less anxious about getting his book published.

He dried his hair with a towel as he walked to the door as he heard another round of knocking. "I'm coming, hold on guys, you're early."

Shawn opened his door and stared at his new reality. The towel fell from his hand as he tried to process what was happening.

"Hello Shawn." Angela stood in the doorway staring at her ex-boyfriend and love of her life.

By the grace of God, Shawn found his ability to talk again. "Angela… what are you doing here?"

"I've moved here to New York… can we talk?"

Shawn stared for a moment before he moved aside to let her in. He picked up the towel and closed the door behind her.

"Um. Make yourself at home. I'm gonna go put on some clothes."

Angela nodded and watched Shawn go into his bedroom. He wasn't sure that this was actually happening. It had been 4 years since he had last seen Angela and he was still broken. He put on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt before walking back out and sitting on the couch across from Angela.

"Do you want something to drink or anything…?"

Angela smiled politely. "I'm fine Shawn…"

There was a silence between them and Shawn couldn't tell if it was comfortable or awkward. After a moment he decided to get their conversation started. "Well, you look good. Europe was good to you."

"Yeah Shawn, it was… It just didn't have you."

"It took you 4 years to figure out that I wasn't there?" Shawn didn't know what to say. He was happy to see her. He was still in love with her and he didn't think he would ever get over her. But he was also still angry at her for leaving him.

"No, it's just… I needed that time to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I had a chance to explore the world and I wanted that."

"Well I'm happy you got what you wanted." Shawn was shutting down. He wasn't prepared for this. Over the years he had gone over what it would be like when Angela came home, but now that she was here, he couldn't figure anything out.

"Shawn I don't know what to do… I still love you so much, but I really hope it's not too late."

"You left me Angela." Shawn's jaw got tight. He hated that she could just come back and claim to love him again after all these years.

"I know and I'm sorry-"

"No. You left me. You told me all those years ago to give into my feelings for you and to trust you to love me, so I did. I believed that you wouldn't hurt me, but-" Shawn grew angry with himself as he noticed he was beginning to cry. "But Angela… you left and you took my heart with you. I will always love you Angela. I have never stopped loving you. I needed you and you broke up with me to spend time half way around the world. What am I supposed to do?"

Angela watched Shawn sort through his anger and cry. She slowly started crying and she covered her mouth with her hand.

When she didn't speak, Shawn kept talking. "I want to be with you so badly, but I don't know how to do that anymore. We spent years together putting me back together after my childhood. But when you left, I broke again Angela. I have had to start over…without you…"

"Please… Shawn…I hate that I left you. You have every right to hate me or to never forgive me. But I know that I need you too and I want to spend my life making it up to you. You never deserved to be hurt the way that I hurt you. You deserved so much better than what I could give to you."

"I don't hate you Angela. Don't you get it? I hate myself for still loving you. I would give anything to just kiss you right now and forget about all of this, but I don't know how to trust you anymore."

They sat in silence for another 5 minutes until they heard a knock at the door.

"Damn it," Shawn wiped his face with his shirt sleeve and stood up. "Hold on a minute," he called to the door.

He looked at Angela on the couch and then walked to the door. He opened it enough to see it was Cory, Topanga, and Elliott, just as they had scheduled. They couldn't see the couch from the angle they were at, but Cory instantly knew something was wrong.

"Tell me," Cory stated. "What's wrong?"

Shawn didn't answer. He just opened the door wider and stepped aside, revealing Angela sitting on the couch. Topanga nearly dropped her child but regained composure as she slowly entered Shawn's apartment.

"Hey guys," Angela said as if she'd seen them last week.

Cory didn't move from the doorway. He was furious at Angela for what she had done to Shawn. Shawn could see Cory was preparing to yell or lash out. "Cory, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Cory looked over at Shawn and his anger was replaced with concern as he realized it was more important to help Shawn. He walked with Shawn into the bedroom, leaving the girls to talk.

"Shawn, what's going on?"

Shawn closed the bedroom door and explained the conversation he just had with Angela. "I don't know what to do Cor. You know I still love her-"

"Shawnie, we were the one who had to pick up the pieces after she never came home. I want you to be happy and I know you love her, but I can't keep watching you get hurt. I don't want there to be a day where I'm not there to save you."

"I know. I know I'm a mess Cory, but I need her. I just, what if we can't fix this?"

There was a knock on the door and Topanga entered the bedroom.

"Shawn? You don't need to take Elliott today if you want to just-"

"No, no, you two go out. I don't want to talk to Angela right now, but I don't want to be alone. Elliott is just who I need right now."

Topanga nodded and left the room again. She walked back to Angela and saw how Elliott had quickly taken to her.

"Topanga, he's a beautiful baby. I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier."

"Yeah, we're all sorry about that."

Angela didn't know what to say. She knew coming back was going to be difficult. She had stayed in touch with Topanga, but it was difficult and it eventually boiled down to calls on holidays and gifts on birthdays.

"Angela, I don't think Shawn is ready to talk to you today. He is going to babysit Elliott for us this afternoon, so just give him some time okay?"

The boys walked out into the living room and Angela stood up and looked at them. She could see the masked fury that Cory desperately wanted to unleash on her but was holding back for everyone's sake. She noticed the sadness that seemed to envelope Shawn's entire body.

"Um. I left my number on the coffee table. Just call me if you want to talk Shawn." With that, she left the apartment and Shawn sunk down into the armchair. Elliott tottered over towards him and held onto Shawn's knee for balance. Shawn felt the small hand on his knee and picked up the toddler.

"Are you sure about this Shawn?" Cory asked as he watched his friend carefully.

"Yeah. I'm going to be okay for now. I just need to think about things by myself and Elliott always has the best advice." He chuckled and tickled the boy's stomach.

Cory and Topanga smiled and left the apartment to the sound of their child's laughter.

Once Shawn was alone with Elliott, his smile began to fade. He pulled the child into his arms and hugged him. Elliott was receptive of the action and began to snuggle into Shawn's chest. Shawn kissed Elliott's forehead as tears fell down his cheeks.

"No crwying Shaw," Elliott said as he looked up at Shawn's face.

Shawn laughed. He loved the way that Elliott talked. "Thanks Buddy. I'm just very happy to see you."

Elliott laughed and uncoordinatedly climbed off of Shawn's lap. When Elliott had made it to the floor, Shawn stood up too. He and Elliott would spend the day reading, coloring, and watching cartoons. Just the way Shawn loved spending his Saturdays.

Shawn didn't call Angela until Wednesday that week. He had cut himself each night as he thought about what he was supposed to do. He finally knew he had to say the things he never had the chance to say to her.

She agreed to come over to the apartment that evening to talk, and Shawn anxiously awaited her arrival.

Angela showed up at Shawn's apartment after dinner. She was quiet as she sat down on his couch again.

Shawn sat back in his armchair and closed his eyes until he was ready to say what he needed. "Angela. I want to try this again." He paused and saw her nod to continue. "I have never stopped loving you. I spent so much time trying to feel as alive as you made me feel. I needed you then and I need you now, but we're both different people now. We haven't been together for two years and we haven't seen each other in four. I am glad you got to go have your time with your father and live your life out in the world. I know I let you go, but if I had known what was going to happen, I never would have let you leave."

Angela didn't say anything until she knew it was a good idea for her to speak.

"I don't regret going, but I regret not coming home. I had a wonderful time, but I was scared to come back. I knew that if I came back, we would be back together and that would eventually mean marriage and kids and it scared me so much Shawn. There was so much out there and I loved you but hated that I had told you to trust our love when I couldn't do the same."

Shawn laughed at himself and looked to the ceiling as he found God's irony so very clever.

Angela had a look of confusion on her face. She hadn't expected for Shawn to laugh. "What?"

"I nearly asked you to marry me before you left."

"You what?" Angela was shocked.

"Yeah. I talked to your dad. I was going to ask you to stay with me instead of going to Europe with him… But I knew it was better for you to go. You talked me out of it without even knowing it."

Angela was speechless. She never imagined that Shawn would have wanted to get married back then. She didn't know what her answer would have been.

"I've dated other women, but no one can fill the space you took up. If you're really going to stay, we can start over, or at least start somewhere in the middle."

Angela smiled. "Nothing would make me happier Shawn. I came back for you."

They both stood up and finally hugged. Angela let him go and looked at his face. After all these years she could still see the emotions written on his face. The happiness and worry collided in his eyes and his smile. She gently brought his head towards her as she kissed his soft lips. He was lost in the familiar comfort of Angela's lips as he tried to communicate 4 years of pain, regret, anger, and love.

He broke the kiss and rested his forehead on hers. "Cory might not like this."

Angela didn't open her eyes; she was still reveling in the kiss she had longed for. "I have a lot more repair work to do with people."

"I'll talk to Cory first okay? How about we go out this Friday night with Cory and Topanga?"

Angela opened her eyes and smiled. "Sounds perfect Shawn. I'll meet you here."

They said goodnights and Shawn leaned against the door after Angela had left. He couldn't tell which emotions were strongest inside of him. He was lost in a sea of love, happiness, fear, and worry. He opened the door after a minute or two and walked over to Cory's, knocking rapidly.

As soon as the door opened, he walked into the apartment and paced the floor.

"Hi, Shawn. How are you? Me? I'm fine. Great to see you too," Cory was sarcastic as he closed the door.

Topanga was sitting on the couch. She put down the case file she was reading from work and looked worriedly from Cory to Shawn and back again. Before either could ask what was wrong, Shawn started speaking rapidly.

"Angela and I talked. We kissed. We're back together. I told her how much I love her. I do. But I'm scared. She says she's here to stay, but she said that last time. People always say that-"

"Shawn. You're making me nervous. Sit down, okay?" Cory led Shawn to the couch and then he sat down in the chair next to the couch.

Shawn took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "We're all going out this Friday. Double date, I need you guys there."

"Of course Shawn," Topanga began before Cory interrupted.

"I don't think this is all a good idea Shawn."

"I know. I thought about it all, I really did. But this is the woman I was prepared to propose to. I can't just let her go again."

Cory and Topanga were silent. Shawn had never mentioned anything about engagement. "When were… propose?" Cory tried to ask.

Shawn stared at the coffee table and told them about how he had originally wanted to ask her to stay 4 years ago and he was going to propose they get married. If she said yes, she'd stay and everything would be perfect. But he could see how much Angela needed to leave and he couldn't do it.

Cory could see how much of a fight Shawn was having with himself over everything. He knew he needed to support Shawn now, and set his own anger towards Angela aside. "You know what? I never gave up on you guys' relationship before, and I guess I shouldn't now. We'll find someone to take care of Elliott on Friday and we'll all go out."

Shawn smiled in relief and felt a shift in his body as the bliss of having Angela back began to outweigh the worry.

"It will be really fun Shawn. I can't wait." Topanga chimed in.

"Thanks guys. I never thought this day would actually come." He stood up and walked towards the door. "I'll see you on Friday."

Thursday seemed to drag on for as long as it possibly could, but when Friday finally came, Shawn had a strong argument for it being the best day of his life. He didn't have to be at work until 10 that morning, but he was woken up at 7:15 to the ringing phone. Groggily, he got out of bed and answered the phone. The whole phone call seemed like a blur as he talked with an editor at Random House who wanted to publish his book. They had received his manuscript and she had fallen in love with it. Somehow, Shawn controlled his excitement enough to set up a meeting for later that morning at 10. As he hung up the phone, he felt happier than he ever thought was possible. He didn't even put a shirt on before he ran over to Cory and Topanga's and pounded on their door. Cory opened the door with his keys in his hand and messenger bag of schoolwork over his shoulder. He was about to leave for work, running late as usual.

He was shocked to see a shirtless Shawn standing in his doorway. "They want it," was all Shawn could say. Topanga walked into the living room with Elliott walking cautiously behind her.

"Cory, what's going on?"

"Don't know hon. There's a raving shirtless man at the door."

Shawn laughed and walked into the apartment.

"Random House. The publisher, they want my book!"

A smile spread across Topanga's face and Cory automatically jumped into his and Shawn's shared happy dance. They jumped around the living room and even Elliot got caught up in the excitement.

"You did it Shawnie! I can't believe everything is perfect!"

"I know Cor! I know!"

Topanga hugged Shawn once the boys had stopped jumping and dancing.

Cory looked at his watch and frowned. "I have to get to work, but as soon as I get home, we're going to celebrate."

Shawn nodded and hugged Cory before he walked out the door. Shawn was left standing with Topanga and a very excited Elliot. He didn't know what was going on, but he was the happiest toddler around.

"I have a meeting this morning with an editor and we're going to work everything out."

Topanga smiled but reached for Shawn's arm. She had noticed in all the commotion that Shawn had fresh cuts on his arm.

"I am so happy about that Shawn, but your arm…"

Shawn's smile faded. He was still happy, but he knew he needed to switch gears for a moment and let her know he was okay now.

"It was just all the confusion over Angela and I couldn't handle it for a couple days. Everything is going to be fine now."

His smile returned. Nothing was going to ruin his good mood today.

He went back to his apartment and called into work. He was going to have to miss work today and was completely content with that fact.

After faking sick well enough for the boss, Shawn went to get ready. He showered, ate breakfast, and dressed in his best work clothes. He left his apartment at 9 AM, hoping that his commute wouldn't be too brutal.

He arrived to his meeting right on time and could barely contain how giddy he was still feeling. He met with the editor and they talked about the process involved in publishing the book. They settled on the royalty fees and then Shawn met the final editor he would be working with directly from now on. They had their own group of people that would be reading and rereading Shawn's book over the course of the next couple months. He would receive an advance in a couple weeks that would serve as the payment for the selling of the rights to his book. The editor would call and set up another meeting or if anything came up that needed changing or clarification.

Overall, the meeting lasted several hours and Shawn was given quite a bit of information and names of agents who now wanted to represent him as well. He got back to his apartment with his copy of the contract he signed and sat down on the couch. It was all so surreal. Shawn could have never imagined that he would succeed so much. He wanted to call everyone he knew, but he was well aware that they were all at work. He knew he could call Amy and Alan though. Amy would most likely be at home and he could call Alan at the store.

Both of them were surprised at the news. Neither of them were even aware that he had been writing a book. Shawn laughed and apologized for not mentioning it. He didn't want to jinx his chances by telling everyone. He said he'd email them a copy as soon as he got off the phone with them. After chatting with each of them for a while, kept his word and emailed them the file. It wasn't the final copy, the editor was bound to make some changes, but he wanted them to read it. He then called Mr. Feeny who had finally retired and was only teaching occasionally as a substitute. If Shawn was lucky, today Mr. Feeny would be at home. Indeed, today continued to be his lucky day and he was ecstatic as he talked with Mr. Feeny about his book. Feeny gave him his most recent email address and asked if he could read it. Shawn obviously agreed and once again, sat down to email his work off to another person who meant so much to him.

He ate lunch and then waited patiently until he could call Jack, Eric, Rachel, and Jon. At 5, Shawn called Jack and Rachel at their apartment. He gave them the news and they were both completely delighted at the success. They congratulated him and then he remembered he hadn't told them the other news either. He paused after telling them he had more news. He finally mentioned that Angela was back and he was back together with her. Shawn could hear Rachel scream in the background. She demanded that Shawn tell Angela to get in touch with her immediately. Shawn agreed and was off the phone with them by 5:45. Cory came into the apartment and hugged Shawn a couple minutes later.

"I still love that you did it Shawnie. I gave all the kids As today in honor of you."

Shawn laughed. "All of them? You should have just given them to the sleeping kids in the back rows."

Cory pushed Shawn playfully and smiled as they sat down to watch Eric on the 6 o'clock news.

As soon as Eric was off the air, Shawn called Eric's cell phone and told him the news. Cory's smile beamed again. He loved hearing Shawn break the news to people. After the call with Eric, Shawn looked at the clock on the wall. He could finally call Jon. School was out and Jon would have his phone on him again.

"Shawn! What's up?"

"I wanted to congratulate you Jon."

"What'd I do?"

"One of your former students is going to be a published author by next year."

"Really?! Cory wrote a book?"

Shawn gave a deep laugh and smiled.

"Oh, Shawn, I knew you would succeed. What you wrote is amazing and I am so proud of you. Make sure I get an autographed copy."

Shawn chatted with Jon more and also mentioned that Angela was back. Jon was thankful that life was finally bringing good things to Shawn. Eventually, Shawn ended their call. He still had a date to get ready for.

His best day ever ended perfectly. The double date was fun and simple, as if the past 4 years hadn't happened. Angela was, of course, overjoyed that Shawn had become such a success. After a wonderful dinner and discussion of Shawn's new life as a to-be-published author and some fun stories of Angela's time abroad, Shawn took Angela back to the apartment and ended his night in bed with Angela. He could hardly believe that his life had taken such a turn and now he was with the woman he loved lost in a passion he thought he'd lost forever.

His book was published a year later which coincided with his proposal to Angela and the birth of Cory and Topanga's second child. A perfect little girl named Riley. His book was a slow success. It wasn't until it hit the teenage audience that he wanted, that it really took off. Nothing was going to keep Shawn from the happiness he worked so hard to create for himself.

His book was released under his pen name, with an acknowledgement to the people who deserved it.

_Saving Hunter_

_By Shawn Matthews_

_For all those who knew my life was worth saving_

* * *

**That's it. I have nothing more to say about Shawn and his story... At least until we see if he shows up for GMW. I certainly hope he does. **


End file.
